Have you ever wanted something that it is all consuming? It becomes the only you can think about. You spend every minute, planning, preparing, even dreaming about it. The desire borders you hindering your abilities to do anything. You smile when you talk about it. You tell everyone about it. Your excitement draws everyone in.
What about the obstacles that approach it? I have always been a person that believes everything always works out the way it is supposed to. Everything happens for a reason. The eternal optimist. However, I wonder at what point to I keep pushing to persevere and what point I decide it is not meant to be? What signs are they meant to be? It seems like a path of faith. When do you say that it is not mean to be, that this was not the path I should take? What point do I give up my hopes with the knowledge something else is supposed to be my journey.
Every bone in my body tells me this is the path I am meant to take; however, each day and new challenge makes me question if I am just fighting the signs. It makes me wonder every time another problem arises makes me wonder if something greater is telling me that it is a mistake. How do I know what if it is simply part of the journey or a sign it is not meant to be? How do I give up on something I have dreamed of for a very long time? How do I stop trying for something I have already over come so many challenges? How long do I continue to believe the answer will come when it is quickly approaching and more problems than solutions remain? How am I going to make it work?
Am I being selfish? What is this doing to those around me? When are the tears of others trying to help more than it is worth? If this isn't my journey then what is? When am I out of options or the solutions not worth the dream?
Maybe it isn't my once in a lifetime opportunity...maybe I won't regret it if I give it up....maybe it will stop being an obsession...or maybe the answers will come, even if it seems miles away. If I can't handle the airfare then how am I ever supposed to make it work without straining the ones I care most about....the one who has already given me everything? Will going destroy everything else? I
suppose it is irony that a mission trip brings in my largest question of faith and feeling powerless while I wait for the solution.
Friday, November 30, 2012
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Roots of Strength.
On a bus, earplugs in, music on shuffle, staring out the window. Moments pass by and with the time every thought floods the mind. Then suddenly a song surrounds your ears and it is the essence of your thoughts. The culmination of the journey to my life.
It isn't growing up; it is understanding where you came from that makes you into who you will become. It teaches you how to form your own life. My family are my roots. They keep me grounded when things start to blow around me. No matter what strikes me I can overcome it because where and who I come from. I do not have to be alone no matter how far away I go. I know that I have people hoping and loving me. I may fear disappointing others however my personal expectations far exceed their expectations. So long as I do what I love I will never disappoint them. As long as I am me they will support me.
It is not about money, nor status, nor success. It is about making a difference. It is about helping those who cannot help themselves. It is about giving it your all in whatever you do. Never give mediocre performances because others are relying on you. My journey will be an experience but all that matters is that it is helping the underserved and underprivileged. I know in my bones that is what I am meant to do. The journey will not be easy. It will be beyond challenging. It is not the simplest task but it is not supposed to be. My strength will be my roots. The people who held me strong when I fell. Now I need to be the roots for others who do not have that support anywhere else.
Roots Before Branches
So many things to do and say
But I can't seem to find my way
But I wanna know how I know I'm meant for something else
But First I gotta find myself but I don't know how
Oh, why do I reach for the stars when I don't have wings to carry me that far?
I gotta have roots before branches to know who I am before I know who I wanna be
And faith to take chances to live like I see a place in this world for me
Sometimes I don't wanna feel and forget the pain is real
Put my head in the clouds
Oh, start to run and then I fall
Thinking I can't get it all without my feet on the ground
There's always a seed before there's a rose
The more that it rains the more I will grow
Whatever comes I know how to take it
Learn to be strong I won't have to fake it
Oh you're understandin the wind can come and do its best
Blow me north, and south, east, and west but I'll still be standing
I'll be standing
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Act of Balancing
Do you hear the small voice in your head that helps dictate your decisions (no hearing voices), the voice that is your internal guidance? The one that gives you worry, joy, happiness, excitement. It is the one that fills my head with doubt often. There seems to be a continual pendulum of worry. Am I pretending it is all coming together or is? Have I taken on too much or can I handle it? Will it all fall apart in the end like it has previously? How do I know it is all going to work out? When can I get it all settled? Am I falling into old patterns?
We have wants, needs, desires, hopes, and dreams. The perpetually flow through out mind; however, before we know it another day, month, year has passed us by. We pretend we have all the time in the world but in reality it is the furthest thing from the truth. If we spend it all thinking about eventually getting somewhere we will have lived our lives without actually doing anything. If you don't enjoy what you are doing change it. If you know you are just going through the motions find a passion. If you know that relationship isn't write change it. If you missed an opportunity try and fight to get it back. I am a firm believer everything works itself out; however, we do have to take some responsibility. If we never speak up nothing can change. Truly think about what you want, who you need, and where you are supposed to be. Live every moment while you can. Do not pretend your goals will come true by waiting for it. You have to have responsibility and take control.
I say these words and yet I know I easily fall into old habits. I find procrastination to be simple. Then my mind reminds me that if I stop and breath too long everything I want could easily be lost and there will not be a second chance. If I want what I saw I do then I can't take the time to just relax...because it will slip through my fingers. My old habits will not be enough to achieve all I need to achieve. I have to prove myself not just to myself but to others. Consequently they do have some control over my next steps in life. I must accept responsibility. This being said there are so many pieces that fall into that situation will they all come together?
For example: Rwanda. This is where I want to be. I followed through and found the perfect internship. However, to make the pieces come together my school must approve it. This means nearly perfect grades, a good GPA, and recommendations from my professors. Meanwhile there is the cost. This means working to save money, pay off debt, pay bills. Therefore, working as much as possible. Overall that is exhausting. Then sitting down to focus on school that even the aspects I enjoy grueling...the parts I do not is misery. There is no moment of down time. No moment for play. When those moments are taken then it is money spent and time lost. With that were is the motivation to move in and unpack so the mess piles on. In my mind all that fills is self-doubt and worry. All I want is the yes. The approval. Then I know what I am working towards. The uncertainty brings the question is it worth it. Am I telling people for no reason? Too many stipulations. It is like the cookie jar just out of reach with what you desire most. When is the voice in the head correct? When should it be ignored? Am I pretending to have it all together when it is really out of control? Can I go for what I want and make the rest work itself out?
We have wants, needs, desires, hopes, and dreams. The perpetually flow through out mind; however, before we know it another day, month, year has passed us by. We pretend we have all the time in the world but in reality it is the furthest thing from the truth. If we spend it all thinking about eventually getting somewhere we will have lived our lives without actually doing anything. If you don't enjoy what you are doing change it. If you know you are just going through the motions find a passion. If you know that relationship isn't write change it. If you missed an opportunity try and fight to get it back. I am a firm believer everything works itself out; however, we do have to take some responsibility. If we never speak up nothing can change. Truly think about what you want, who you need, and where you are supposed to be. Live every moment while you can. Do not pretend your goals will come true by waiting for it. You have to have responsibility and take control.
I say these words and yet I know I easily fall into old habits. I find procrastination to be simple. Then my mind reminds me that if I stop and breath too long everything I want could easily be lost and there will not be a second chance. If I want what I saw I do then I can't take the time to just relax...because it will slip through my fingers. My old habits will not be enough to achieve all I need to achieve. I have to prove myself not just to myself but to others. Consequently they do have some control over my next steps in life. I must accept responsibility. This being said there are so many pieces that fall into that situation will they all come together?
For example: Rwanda. This is where I want to be. I followed through and found the perfect internship. However, to make the pieces come together my school must approve it. This means nearly perfect grades, a good GPA, and recommendations from my professors. Meanwhile there is the cost. This means working to save money, pay off debt, pay bills. Therefore, working as much as possible. Overall that is exhausting. Then sitting down to focus on school that even the aspects I enjoy grueling...the parts I do not is misery. There is no moment of down time. No moment for play. When those moments are taken then it is money spent and time lost. With that were is the motivation to move in and unpack so the mess piles on. In my mind all that fills is self-doubt and worry. All I want is the yes. The approval. Then I know what I am working towards. The uncertainty brings the question is it worth it. Am I telling people for no reason? Too many stipulations. It is like the cookie jar just out of reach with what you desire most. When is the voice in the head correct? When should it be ignored? Am I pretending to have it all together when it is really out of control? Can I go for what I want and make the rest work itself out?
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Self Awareness and Identity
People say college is the time of self discovery. The place you learn who you are. The time to experience everything. It is the preparation for the adult world. This always seemed true. I learned about myself, made life-long friends, and most importantly earn a solid education. In my mind I was prepared to be an adult. I learned my political beliefs and reassured my morals. Four years well spent.
It was simple I was brought up on mid-west values, had small town exposure, a private school education, a democratic mother and a republican grandfather. I was informed, considerate and compassionate. I prided my self on involvement and activity. According to my society the essence of what a person should be. How could there be room for anymore self identity. Somehow over the past year I have realized how small minded my world truly had been. How I limited myself by my surroundings. My environment dictated my position, my choices, my beliefs. I used to admit I lived three lives: college, camp, and home.
College: conservative, sorority, education, and partying. Camp: liberal, playful, loud, crazy, active. Home: an intermediate of the two and incredibly self-reservered. There were different expectations and acceptances. Now do not get me wrong none of these worlds seemed incomplete. Furthermore, everyone made me perfectly content. It was easy to slip in and out of the various worlds without little thought or collision. Each component giving me a different aspect to life.
Currently a big push in society is global community. The theory is in a global world there should be cultural acceptance and understanding. We focus learning about cultural difference across the world. Yet has it even been stopped to think of the cultural differences within our own society. Sure there are the stereotypes of the "SOUTH" "WEST COAST" "EAST COAST" and "MID WEST" is it ever considered how these stereotypes form a person? Is it the cultural exposure and education that lead to that? Is there more to these unique cultures than just the stereotypes?
Working at camp was my first true exposure to differences and acceptance. Seeing and understanding different cultures nationally and internationally. There was even cultural differences on what was acceptable within different camps based on location. It brought a broader understanding on racial, ethical, sexual, and gender identity differences. An experience that received little knowledge within my hometown or college. Consequently, vastly what was observed in college and home was not always shown with the strongest connotations. The "bible belt" stereotype striking strong. Suddenly bringing light to how little I truly knew. This is not to say my family, friends, or myself were not naturally accepting; however, it is to say that the community as a whole was undereducated on these experiences and rather jaded.
In the process of this and travel with my mother I quickly fell in love with the East Coast. It was suddenly where I yearned to be. Although moving halfway across the country was terrifying I never questioned if I would "fit in." I also lacked incredible knowledge about what the city I was moving to beheld. This for a while was a struggle. It seemed simple to focus on the "East Coast Snobbery," rude drivers, and how private people were. In my mind people came from "Old Money" here and had to have strong conservative viewpoints. It was culture shock to realize how in reality I was close-minded and many of the people I was close to as well.
Suddenly there is a realization how unprepared my mind was. I still had a bountiful amount to learn and identify. This was the reason for how lost the last year felt. There was an overwhelming feeling of not knowing who I was. My worlds had finally all collided and nothing fit completely. It was not my friends or family defining my beliefs and morals. It was my own decisions based on my educations, passions, and ideals. Ironically it is the type of education and exposure you receive that forms your identity. For example last year I went to a party with a friend. There was a lesbian couple at the party who I had worked on a project with present. My friend deduced we must hangout with different people because she didn't want the lesbian couple to have the impression we were a couple. Furthermore, proceeded to throw herself a the guys at the party to ensure no one would make a mistake. Although it was amusing because it had crossed no ones mind at the party except my friend; it also was incredibly frustrating. How could someone I considered my friend be that close-minded?
It was the beginning of a new thought process. Previously I had understood how different cultures, races, and those with various sexual orientation struggled in college and high school; however, it has always "not been my problem." In my mind it did not affect me; however, it should have. We teach girls at camp that standing aside a letting gossip and bullying occur is as bad as being the perpetrator. The city gave me exposure to more than anything my I could experience in my small mid-west communities; however, it is my education that defines the exposure with understanding.
Public Health requires a vast understanding and frankly, an incredibly liberal mindset. However, is all public health education the same? If my education had been in the "SOUTH" "MID WEST" or "WEST COAST" would my opinions be different? Do the political, religious, and cultural beliefs define the education received? Ironically my mother who grew up in the Mid West with her republican father always had the beliefs I finally have come full circle to. Why is it that it took me moving across the country to understand what she always knew? Simple my mother always wanted me to pick my own belief system based on my morals and education.
There must be a movement to find acceptance. Often beliefs are formed due to family beliefs; however, the education system must be able to fill in the blanks left. A person must be able to make their own beliefs based on knowledge and understanding; not because they are told to believe this. A view can only be wrong if it is uneducated. An opinion is personal; however it must be supported by data and fact. Once the data and fact is received there is clarity on what should occur.
When my mother visited she told me she knew I had outgrown my hometown. I did not completely understand. I knew that when I was home I itched and felt out of place. It is the realization that my views not longer collide with my cultural exposure at home. Yet I feel stronger and more sure of myself than ever before. I could fight for my beliefs without tears. I know why I believe what I believe and would support them to any length. It is how I know I want to change the world.
It was simple I was brought up on mid-west values, had small town exposure, a private school education, a democratic mother and a republican grandfather. I was informed, considerate and compassionate. I prided my self on involvement and activity. According to my society the essence of what a person should be. How could there be room for anymore self identity. Somehow over the past year I have realized how small minded my world truly had been. How I limited myself by my surroundings. My environment dictated my position, my choices, my beliefs. I used to admit I lived three lives: college, camp, and home.
College: conservative, sorority, education, and partying. Camp: liberal, playful, loud, crazy, active. Home: an intermediate of the two and incredibly self-reservered. There were different expectations and acceptances. Now do not get me wrong none of these worlds seemed incomplete. Furthermore, everyone made me perfectly content. It was easy to slip in and out of the various worlds without little thought or collision. Each component giving me a different aspect to life.
Currently a big push in society is global community. The theory is in a global world there should be cultural acceptance and understanding. We focus learning about cultural difference across the world. Yet has it even been stopped to think of the cultural differences within our own society. Sure there are the stereotypes of the "SOUTH" "WEST COAST" "EAST COAST" and "MID WEST" is it ever considered how these stereotypes form a person? Is it the cultural exposure and education that lead to that? Is there more to these unique cultures than just the stereotypes?
Working at camp was my first true exposure to differences and acceptance. Seeing and understanding different cultures nationally and internationally. There was even cultural differences on what was acceptable within different camps based on location. It brought a broader understanding on racial, ethical, sexual, and gender identity differences. An experience that received little knowledge within my hometown or college. Consequently, vastly what was observed in college and home was not always shown with the strongest connotations. The "bible belt" stereotype striking strong. Suddenly bringing light to how little I truly knew. This is not to say my family, friends, or myself were not naturally accepting; however, it is to say that the community as a whole was undereducated on these experiences and rather jaded.
In the process of this and travel with my mother I quickly fell in love with the East Coast. It was suddenly where I yearned to be. Although moving halfway across the country was terrifying I never questioned if I would "fit in." I also lacked incredible knowledge about what the city I was moving to beheld. This for a while was a struggle. It seemed simple to focus on the "East Coast Snobbery," rude drivers, and how private people were. In my mind people came from "Old Money" here and had to have strong conservative viewpoints. It was culture shock to realize how in reality I was close-minded and many of the people I was close to as well.
Suddenly there is a realization how unprepared my mind was. I still had a bountiful amount to learn and identify. This was the reason for how lost the last year felt. There was an overwhelming feeling of not knowing who I was. My worlds had finally all collided and nothing fit completely. It was not my friends or family defining my beliefs and morals. It was my own decisions based on my educations, passions, and ideals. Ironically it is the type of education and exposure you receive that forms your identity. For example last year I went to a party with a friend. There was a lesbian couple at the party who I had worked on a project with present. My friend deduced we must hangout with different people because she didn't want the lesbian couple to have the impression we were a couple. Furthermore, proceeded to throw herself a the guys at the party to ensure no one would make a mistake. Although it was amusing because it had crossed no ones mind at the party except my friend; it also was incredibly frustrating. How could someone I considered my friend be that close-minded?
It was the beginning of a new thought process. Previously I had understood how different cultures, races, and those with various sexual orientation struggled in college and high school; however, it has always "not been my problem." In my mind it did not affect me; however, it should have. We teach girls at camp that standing aside a letting gossip and bullying occur is as bad as being the perpetrator. The city gave me exposure to more than anything my I could experience in my small mid-west communities; however, it is my education that defines the exposure with understanding.
Public Health requires a vast understanding and frankly, an incredibly liberal mindset. However, is all public health education the same? If my education had been in the "SOUTH" "MID WEST" or "WEST COAST" would my opinions be different? Do the political, religious, and cultural beliefs define the education received? Ironically my mother who grew up in the Mid West with her republican father always had the beliefs I finally have come full circle to. Why is it that it took me moving across the country to understand what she always knew? Simple my mother always wanted me to pick my own belief system based on my morals and education.
There must be a movement to find acceptance. Often beliefs are formed due to family beliefs; however, the education system must be able to fill in the blanks left. A person must be able to make their own beliefs based on knowledge and understanding; not because they are told to believe this. A view can only be wrong if it is uneducated. An opinion is personal; however it must be supported by data and fact. Once the data and fact is received there is clarity on what should occur.
When my mother visited she told me she knew I had outgrown my hometown. I did not completely understand. I knew that when I was home I itched and felt out of place. It is the realization that my views not longer collide with my cultural exposure at home. Yet I feel stronger and more sure of myself than ever before. I could fight for my beliefs without tears. I know why I believe what I believe and would support them to any length. It is how I know I want to change the world.
Monday, September 17, 2012
It will be worthwhile
Do everything in your power to make the difference you intend to make. Do not become so self absorbed, the ambition to change the world is over come by selfish moments in the present. This is a constant reminder. The sacrifices made are for a reason. To achieve anything there are other situations that must be passed along. Move forward and move on. Go for what you want no matter the costs.
I look back at my day to day life. I question if I am making the right choices. Am I simply choosing to work hours for no reason? Then I remember what I want. What I need to do to achieve this. I sacrifice to achieve. Am I missing out? Is it pathetic to not feel like I am missing anything? To have outgrown the social aspect of life? I work, do homework, go to school, and sleep. This is the essence of me. Yet I am not dissatisfied. I am content. Periodically I want more. Periodically I question my choices. But the innate feeling inside pushes me forward. Stay focused there is too much at stake. This is my chance to change the world.
"Here's to the crazy ones. The misfis. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."--Apple Inc.
I look back at my day to day life. I question if I am making the right choices. Am I simply choosing to work hours for no reason? Then I remember what I want. What I need to do to achieve this. I sacrifice to achieve. Am I missing out? Is it pathetic to not feel like I am missing anything? To have outgrown the social aspect of life? I work, do homework, go to school, and sleep. This is the essence of me. Yet I am not dissatisfied. I am content. Periodically I want more. Periodically I question my choices. But the innate feeling inside pushes me forward. Stay focused there is too much at stake. This is my chance to change the world.
"Here's to the crazy ones. The misfis. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."--Apple Inc.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Do Something. Do Anything Don't Stop
We move about from day to day. Simply living not completely comprehending. Often times we look for goals or we keep our head down and hope to go unnoticed. We take advantage of time we assume we have, advantage of the possibilities we assume eventually we will achieve. The saying "Stop and Smell the Roses" essentially needs to be engrained on the eyelids of every person. Do you take the time to stop for anything? Do you take the little minutes to enjoy what you have?
Some may say their life is far from what they want it to be. They know it can be better. Nevertheless, life is what you make it. Sure striving for more is never a bad thing; however, you do need to take a moment and embrace everything you already have accomplished. Enjoy the sun shining on your face and the knowledge you are slowly but surly living your dream. If you feel you will never achieve your dream or you have settled for less than what you deserve then do something about it. Go out and achieve what you want.
So often we sit and wonder what if. We dwell on the past. We keep hoping for someday. Someday is today. Do not just idly sit back and watch life pass you by. Do not ignore possibilities. If you are holding back something you need to tell someone, say it. Life is too short to just wait for an opportunity. You never know when you are having your last conversation with someone. You never know when life can change. It all can happen in an instant.
People may look at you in confusion as you pack your bags for your next big adventure; however smile an internal smile and know you are taking a chance. If there is was no risk in life it is dull and meaningless. Memories last a lifetime; money only funds the memories. Living life wealthy in misery is far worse than living poor and happy. Do not live selfishly but rather selflessly. Make a difference to someone. Save the world one person at a time.
Do something. Do anything. Do not let the world and time move forward without you Do not waste the moments you have. Embrace your time. Enjoy what you have while you have it. We only have this one life, make the most of it.
"Opportunities do not come with their values stamped upon them. Everyone must be challenged. A day dawns, quite like other days; in it a single hour comes, quite like other hours; but in that day and in that hour the chance of a lifetime faces us."
Some may say their life is far from what they want it to be. They know it can be better. Nevertheless, life is what you make it. Sure striving for more is never a bad thing; however, you do need to take a moment and embrace everything you already have accomplished. Enjoy the sun shining on your face and the knowledge you are slowly but surly living your dream. If you feel you will never achieve your dream or you have settled for less than what you deserve then do something about it. Go out and achieve what you want.
So often we sit and wonder what if. We dwell on the past. We keep hoping for someday. Someday is today. Do not just idly sit back and watch life pass you by. Do not ignore possibilities. If you are holding back something you need to tell someone, say it. Life is too short to just wait for an opportunity. You never know when you are having your last conversation with someone. You never know when life can change. It all can happen in an instant.
People may look at you in confusion as you pack your bags for your next big adventure; however smile an internal smile and know you are taking a chance. If there is was no risk in life it is dull and meaningless. Memories last a lifetime; money only funds the memories. Living life wealthy in misery is far worse than living poor and happy. Do not live selfishly but rather selflessly. Make a difference to someone. Save the world one person at a time.
Do something. Do anything. Do not let the world and time move forward without you Do not waste the moments you have. Embrace your time. Enjoy what you have while you have it. We only have this one life, make the most of it.
"Opportunities do not come with their values stamped upon them. Everyone must be challenged. A day dawns, quite like other days; in it a single hour comes, quite like other hours; but in that day and in that hour the chance of a lifetime faces us."
Sunday, September 9, 2012
The Mind
Does the mind ever shut down? Does it always feel as if it runs faster than the speed of light? Mine quickly jumps from thought to thought constantly bringing up another anxiety, memory, want or need. It often yells louder than the outside world. It makes me feel out of control because the unending lists it continues to make.
One second my mind is thinking of how things once were. What I was doing a year ago and the year before that. It compares itself to previous times. Always analyzing if success is reached. Moments it misses what I once had and other seconds it is dreaming of what is yet to come. The mind is a complex place. If someone could ever read mine it would be a jumbled mess of half thoughts forgotten in the race of life.
The mind is the Energizer bunny that truly never stops going and going. Often times I wish for just second it could shut up and I could just be. The more silence that surrounds me the more my mind speaks to me. Often times only leaving me more confused than before. It seems to have little direction or understanding of where it is leading me.
One second my mind is thinking of how things once were. What I was doing a year ago and the year before that. It compares itself to previous times. Always analyzing if success is reached. Moments it misses what I once had and other seconds it is dreaming of what is yet to come. The mind is a complex place. If someone could ever read mine it would be a jumbled mess of half thoughts forgotten in the race of life.
The mind is the Energizer bunny that truly never stops going and going. Often times I wish for just second it could shut up and I could just be. The more silence that surrounds me the more my mind speaks to me. Often times only leaving me more confused than before. It seems to have little direction or understanding of where it is leading me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)