Chaos, drama, stress, pressure these seem to be where I thrive. At least to the outside world people would assume it is where I automatically go. In honesty it seems to be the only way I function. Nevertheless, it is not the place I enjoy. The constant anxiety. The feeling that in an instant every strategically placed card could fall destroying the dramatically designed card house I created. I hate the fear. I hate the tightness in my chest. How do I always end up in this position. Why do I fail to learn from previous mistakes? How do I stop the cycle?
It feels impossible to complete everything that needs to be done; however, still can not finish everything I started. No one can fix the situation. No one can be here to finish the projects. Alone in a world full of people. Knowing all care but knowing it is time to accept responsibility. Realization time passes, we age,there is not floating by. Do not just pretend to be the person you are, accept it, embrace it, and work with it.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Tug of War
It was as if I stepped back into time. Picking up where it left off. For just a few short days it was as if in the past year my whole world had not changed. It as reassuring to know that friendships can outlast distance and that even as time passes the dynamics do not. Nevertheless, there was an innate feeling of sadness, nostalgia, confusion.
It seemed that the feeling of homesickness had long dissipated. Contentment of life and knowledge of the right decision. Then in a moment you can return to missing everything that had been before. All of us had been prepared to move on. Strong desire to try something new. A year later and it seems as if it would be easier to return to before. Missing the people that have been there nonstop for years. Suddenly the need for their personal connection is all that enters the mind. It was truly as if time was frozen for a weekend.
Returning to reality was difficult. It has been before as your transition from school life to home life to summer life. This difficulty is usually due to extended periods of time. This simple 72 hours journey left me muddled and anxious. Dreading the looming responsibility. Knowledge that all that awaited was responsibility and to-do lists. The need for time to pass quickly.
These past few months have flown by. Blinking eyes and it was time to progress to something new. Now I am torn. I am anticipating the return of one of my "homes" but the need to put the breaks on to finish everything. Anxiety understands it all seems to have gotten away from me. Without realizing it I have fallen extremely behind. Going from consistency to mess. Organization to clutter. Structure to Chaos.
The internal tug of war of where to belong only continues. The love for new adventures but the urge to have those you care for close by. Feelings that both places are slightly fractured and incomplete. Will there be a time that you have it all? That life is not out of balance? How is it that no matter where you are something is consuming you?
It seemed that the feeling of homesickness had long dissipated. Contentment of life and knowledge of the right decision. Then in a moment you can return to missing everything that had been before. All of us had been prepared to move on. Strong desire to try something new. A year later and it seems as if it would be easier to return to before. Missing the people that have been there nonstop for years. Suddenly the need for their personal connection is all that enters the mind. It was truly as if time was frozen for a weekend.
Returning to reality was difficult. It has been before as your transition from school life to home life to summer life. This difficulty is usually due to extended periods of time. This simple 72 hours journey left me muddled and anxious. Dreading the looming responsibility. Knowledge that all that awaited was responsibility and to-do lists. The need for time to pass quickly.
These past few months have flown by. Blinking eyes and it was time to progress to something new. Now I am torn. I am anticipating the return of one of my "homes" but the need to put the breaks on to finish everything. Anxiety understands it all seems to have gotten away from me. Without realizing it I have fallen extremely behind. Going from consistency to mess. Organization to clutter. Structure to Chaos.
The internal tug of war of where to belong only continues. The love for new adventures but the urge to have those you care for close by. Feelings that both places are slightly fractured and incomplete. Will there be a time that you have it all? That life is not out of balance? How is it that no matter where you are something is consuming you?
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Enjoy the moment or expect the unexpected?
The light at the dark tunnel is reached. The sun beams down and days seem perfect. It is as if every choice made leads us to moments just as this. Happiness flows through the body and brings nothing but smiles. Every problem dissipates for the instant and the moment only matters. One instant moment can last a lifetime. It has the ability to create an obsession. There becomes an innate need to cling to the moment; cherish the feelings that are released. If you look back all that you can do is grin to the private moment you are having. A moment only you can completely understand. This feeling is attainable. It gives the essence that without it you are incomplete. That every moment before was leading to this memory.
Do you take the opportunity to embrace these sensations? Can you overcome the anxiety that the perfect instant could be fleeting? Do you analyze all the short comings the moment has? Do you question that the challenges will return? That the problems still exists even if temporarily forgotten. That although it appears like perfection there is still holes and fractures. That there is missing components. That the true achievement is not there. That nothing is truly perfect. Does the eternal optimism within is become out weighted by natural pessimism? Can you balance the knowledge you are still searching for more while enjoying the little moments? Do you wish for previous perfect moments that may never return? Will you always miss the little moments?
How do you enjoy the perfect moments? How do you move past the previous perfect moments? Do you always question if you will remain this happy or how happy you were before? How do you embrace your past, live in the present, and look to the future? Do you lose yourself somewhere along the lines?
These questions flood the mind. Constant speeds. Perpetually racing in the mind. Trying to love the perfect moments, cling to old memories, and look forward to what is yet to come. It seems to be a constant battle. When the sun beams in after a dark tunnel there is the sensation that even if the moments are fleeting the instant is worth everything. It gives the idea to cease every chance, every instant, every emotion. If you do not you will always wonder what could have been. Find a way to live in the moment. Do not dwell on the what if or the what could have/should have been. It will not help you find happiness.
Do you take the opportunity to embrace these sensations? Can you overcome the anxiety that the perfect instant could be fleeting? Do you analyze all the short comings the moment has? Do you question that the challenges will return? That the problems still exists even if temporarily forgotten. That although it appears like perfection there is still holes and fractures. That there is missing components. That the true achievement is not there. That nothing is truly perfect. Does the eternal optimism within is become out weighted by natural pessimism? Can you balance the knowledge you are still searching for more while enjoying the little moments? Do you wish for previous perfect moments that may never return? Will you always miss the little moments?
How do you enjoy the perfect moments? How do you move past the previous perfect moments? Do you always question if you will remain this happy or how happy you were before? How do you embrace your past, live in the present, and look to the future? Do you lose yourself somewhere along the lines?
These questions flood the mind. Constant speeds. Perpetually racing in the mind. Trying to love the perfect moments, cling to old memories, and look forward to what is yet to come. It seems to be a constant battle. When the sun beams in after a dark tunnel there is the sensation that even if the moments are fleeting the instant is worth everything. It gives the idea to cease every chance, every instant, every emotion. If you do not you will always wonder what could have been. Find a way to live in the moment. Do not dwell on the what if or the what could have/should have been. It will not help you find happiness.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Lost with no direction and it is okay
One step at a time we move forward. Constant quick pace. Never allowing for time to stop and think. It is okay. It is all I have ever known and rarely willing to alter. If there is a lapse in time it seems as if the earth will crumble beneath me. If I just keep moving everything will stay the same. In reality if you look behind you and look ahead nothing is the same nor will it ever be.
Every decision we make slightly changes the direction life is heading. The more quick steps taken the more change made in a short period of time. At first look change was terrifying. Now it seems to be an addiction. A constant craving. As if a consistency would mean lethargy. This addiction however does not come without consequence. There is a feeling of instability and if I create something stable it is pointless because it will have to come to an end. The knowledge that change causes some good things have a finish line creates hesitation. Do I sit and enjoy them while they last or not even bother because I have to reach that finish line eventually? I have tried both and neither seem completely satisfying. Starting something with a defined endpoint can be difficult when the end arrives and the feeling that there is an unfinished story. However the experience of never experiencing it is full of regret. A constant wonder of what if remains in the mind. Furthermore, if it is not experienced then how do you live in the present? How do you enjoy the current life adventures? Is there balance to a life at full speed ahead? Is it too selfish of a life? Will down the road it leave you alone?
For a person that feared change as a child, who in fact panicked with the smallest alteration in a tradition, seems to have changed in certain aspects making myself almost unrecognizable. Now this is not in morals, beliefs, or the understanding of right or wrong by any means. This does mean in who I expected to become. If asked as child what I would be doing what my life currently this would have been the response: Attending medical school; getting married; preparing for a family; settling in Harrisonville; and still seeing all my high school friends every weekend. Furthermore never would I have: joined a sorority; moved away from my small town with no intention of returning to live; be considering not going to medical school; travel to a foreign country alone; work at camps for five years; be more interested in traveling the world, saving lives, and having new experiences than starting a family and growing up; and ultimately not having a life plan only dreams. It truly is the first time I have not been so focused on my goals that it consumes me.
My entire life was consumed with attending medical school. I truly believed it was the only thing I wanted. Also if that if I did not achieve this goal I would be a disappointment to those that loved me and wanted me to achieve my goal. When it was time to achieve this goal suddenly it did not seem like the right fit. As if I had been on a path that I never considered to be the wrong path. Never making a back up plan. This was difficult. What was I going to do? Was I failure? Was I simply too afraid to try and achieve the goal? A year later from this realization and I now know the truth. It is okay to change your mind. To create new dreams. To not be who you told everyone you were going to be if the new direction makes you happier. The ones who love you will always love you. Most importantly just because it was your dream since you were three does not mean that when you have developed into the person you are that the same dream fits.
Ultimately embracing this understanding has made me into a better person even if it is confusing. I am 23 years old and it is okay I do not know where I am heading. Some people know what they want and that is great. However, I still have time. If I attend medical school that is fine but for now it is not for me. Furthermore, even though it seems many of my friends have marriage on their mind it is okay it is not my priority. I do not have to be what is expected of me but rather who I want to be. That is the person people want to be friends with. Whoever I am is who they will love.
Therefore, I do not have a goal simply guidelines:
1) Make a difference in the world (no it does not have to be recognizable to everyone but to an individual is fine)
2) Try to help someone everyday
3) Try anything once
4) Stand by my morals and do not let others make me question them
5) Always look to the bright side of the situation. Just because something is challenging does not mean it will beat me.
I have a to do list in life. Currently they can not all be done at once. I do not have the ability to do them all at once. I may question the decisions I make; however I need to know if I do not do what I feel is right I will always wonder. Everything happens for a reason and helps guide me to who I will be. Stop wondering where I am going and simply be who I feel is like the person I need to be. I can be lost with out direction because there will always be a light to follow. Change can be good and important.
Every decision we make slightly changes the direction life is heading. The more quick steps taken the more change made in a short period of time. At first look change was terrifying. Now it seems to be an addiction. A constant craving. As if a consistency would mean lethargy. This addiction however does not come without consequence. There is a feeling of instability and if I create something stable it is pointless because it will have to come to an end. The knowledge that change causes some good things have a finish line creates hesitation. Do I sit and enjoy them while they last or not even bother because I have to reach that finish line eventually? I have tried both and neither seem completely satisfying. Starting something with a defined endpoint can be difficult when the end arrives and the feeling that there is an unfinished story. However the experience of never experiencing it is full of regret. A constant wonder of what if remains in the mind. Furthermore, if it is not experienced then how do you live in the present? How do you enjoy the current life adventures? Is there balance to a life at full speed ahead? Is it too selfish of a life? Will down the road it leave you alone?
For a person that feared change as a child, who in fact panicked with the smallest alteration in a tradition, seems to have changed in certain aspects making myself almost unrecognizable. Now this is not in morals, beliefs, or the understanding of right or wrong by any means. This does mean in who I expected to become. If asked as child what I would be doing what my life currently this would have been the response: Attending medical school; getting married; preparing for a family; settling in Harrisonville; and still seeing all my high school friends every weekend. Furthermore never would I have: joined a sorority; moved away from my small town with no intention of returning to live; be considering not going to medical school; travel to a foreign country alone; work at camps for five years; be more interested in traveling the world, saving lives, and having new experiences than starting a family and growing up; and ultimately not having a life plan only dreams. It truly is the first time I have not been so focused on my goals that it consumes me.
My entire life was consumed with attending medical school. I truly believed it was the only thing I wanted. Also if that if I did not achieve this goal I would be a disappointment to those that loved me and wanted me to achieve my goal. When it was time to achieve this goal suddenly it did not seem like the right fit. As if I had been on a path that I never considered to be the wrong path. Never making a back up plan. This was difficult. What was I going to do? Was I failure? Was I simply too afraid to try and achieve the goal? A year later from this realization and I now know the truth. It is okay to change your mind. To create new dreams. To not be who you told everyone you were going to be if the new direction makes you happier. The ones who love you will always love you. Most importantly just because it was your dream since you were three does not mean that when you have developed into the person you are that the same dream fits.
Ultimately embracing this understanding has made me into a better person even if it is confusing. I am 23 years old and it is okay I do not know where I am heading. Some people know what they want and that is great. However, I still have time. If I attend medical school that is fine but for now it is not for me. Furthermore, even though it seems many of my friends have marriage on their mind it is okay it is not my priority. I do not have to be what is expected of me but rather who I want to be. That is the person people want to be friends with. Whoever I am is who they will love.
Therefore, I do not have a goal simply guidelines:
1) Make a difference in the world (no it does not have to be recognizable to everyone but to an individual is fine)
2) Try to help someone everyday
3) Try anything once
4) Stand by my morals and do not let others make me question them
5) Always look to the bright side of the situation. Just because something is challenging does not mean it will beat me.
I have a to do list in life. Currently they can not all be done at once. I do not have the ability to do them all at once. I may question the decisions I make; however I need to know if I do not do what I feel is right I will always wonder. Everything happens for a reason and helps guide me to who I will be. Stop wondering where I am going and simply be who I feel is like the person I need to be. I can be lost with out direction because there will always be a light to follow. Change can be good and important.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Blink of an Eye
Everything changes, everything progresses. One moment you are looking forward to the future the next missing the past. They say the grass is greener on the other side but yet no one is ever satisfied with that side. It is innate feeling that there is always something better. Sometimes it feels as if your feet are burrowed in the sand and there is no movement in either direction. Others seem to progress but you seem stuck. Forced to move forward but unprepared.
The luck never comes at the right moments. One thing piling on top of the other. One mess after another. Squinting hard can show a slight glimmer of excitement but there are all the mountains to climb to get there. Would it not be easier just to have the answers an know what to look for? What to hope for? What to focus on? Where the disappointment will appear and what happens afterwards? What people expect? How people will act? What people are thinking but not saying? Would this not make everything have a clear answer, a crystal understanding, better dynamics?
People seem to feel being honest because it may make the situation uncomfortable or hurt another person's feelings. Nevertheless, in the end it is far worse to just let the problem fester. One party makes assumptions and the other bottles thoughts. This only leads to complications. A straight forward blunt answer may seem hurtful but it does not leave the scar. I know personally I tend to struggle with this thought, yet when others do it to me it frustrates me to no end. Don't play games be honest. It is the only way to achieve what you want, know the other person's thoughts, and to pick up the pieces and start over. Cracks are almost worse than breaks because cracks cause crumbles that cannot be fixed. Why does society imply the importance is the acceptance of others? This becomes primary focus and no one acts themselves.
Find what makes you happy. Be who makes you happy. Figure out how to let go of the thoughts weighing down in your mind. Do not avoid. Face the problems and come out on the other side as a stronger individual.
"Learn from yesterday. Live for today. Hope for tomorrow"--Albert Einstein
The luck never comes at the right moments. One thing piling on top of the other. One mess after another. Squinting hard can show a slight glimmer of excitement but there are all the mountains to climb to get there. Would it not be easier just to have the answers an know what to look for? What to hope for? What to focus on? Where the disappointment will appear and what happens afterwards? What people expect? How people will act? What people are thinking but not saying? Would this not make everything have a clear answer, a crystal understanding, better dynamics?
People seem to feel being honest because it may make the situation uncomfortable or hurt another person's feelings. Nevertheless, in the end it is far worse to just let the problem fester. One party makes assumptions and the other bottles thoughts. This only leads to complications. A straight forward blunt answer may seem hurtful but it does not leave the scar. I know personally I tend to struggle with this thought, yet when others do it to me it frustrates me to no end. Don't play games be honest. It is the only way to achieve what you want, know the other person's thoughts, and to pick up the pieces and start over. Cracks are almost worse than breaks because cracks cause crumbles that cannot be fixed. Why does society imply the importance is the acceptance of others? This becomes primary focus and no one acts themselves.
Find what makes you happy. Be who makes you happy. Figure out how to let go of the thoughts weighing down in your mind. Do not avoid. Face the problems and come out on the other side as a stronger individual.
"Learn from yesterday. Live for today. Hope for tomorrow"--Albert Einstein
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)