How to people live the have it all lifestyle? I feel like you always have to give up something for something else. That the pieces never fit together at the same time. How is there a balance? How do you find the balance? When does that happen? It seems like everything comes together but then something has to be thrown out and you never really get it back. People say you have to sacrifice and the someday you get everything you want. Is that how it works or do you always wonder what if?
Sometimes it seems that something seems perfect at the time then it has to stop and there is a small hope it will somehow continue or pick up where you left off. However, the rest of you knows that isn't the case it you sit being nostalgic. Granted the possibility of the unknown is exciting. The excitement of something new. Again the timing seems wrong. What is the point? Is it worth it for a short time? Do we just over think everything? There is your education, work, social life, and love life. How is there enough hours in a day for it all? I definitely haven't figured it out. Even on times staying up 24 hours doesn't fit it all together. When is it better to just live in the moment? It is now easy to understand why people fight over money. These days money is all that seems to cross my mind and how to save and pay bills. It doesn't seem to add up. Trying to add anymore to that is a struggle. Then there is a strange guilt if money is spent. When did I become an adult?
All this happens and you wonder are you missing out on other parts? Are you shutting yourself off from new and old possibilities? Secretly hoping down the road you find your way back to what you had but knowing that ship has sailed. Wondering if you should be trying now for something else but assuming there is no point because in a few months you will be on to something new and complications is not worth the trouble. You feel happy and satisfied with what you do; however, looking around at what others have makes you curious. How do you have it all?
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Monday, February 20, 2012
Break Point
It is funny how quickly a person reaches the point of insanity. It comes on sudden and unexpectantly. To control the sensation is nearly impossible. You can feel it inside your inside your entire body as your blood begins to boil to the surface and the word vomit is on the edge of your lips. If the words are spoken the tears can be felt inside the eyelids waiting for permission to join the roller coaster.
How do you control it? How do you move past it? One wrong step and it will all could crumble. The whole barricade could fall apart and the rash decision could cause you to lose everything. How is it that no one around can notice? How do they not realize you have reached the breaking point and offer no solution only push more? Even if they pay for services rendered is there not a line that crosses too far and they risk never getting you back from it? Suddenly the moments that made everything seem like you had a family suddenly just feel like employers, employers that have taken it a step too far.
My social behavior class has really helped to focus in on these realizations and understanding for social relationships. It explains the reasoning why we as human beings react to situations they way we do. Sometimes the lines of social and professional become crossed and can lead to misconceptions. It creates complications. How do you recover? All of this is complicated and confusing. They say you learn a lot about people living with them, maybe this is how the role of nanny becomes complicated. It turns situations from pleasant to miserable. Taking something that seems ordinarily perfect to awful.
How can one family vacation become a nightmare? The count down to returning to normalcy drags on. Will it be normal again though or is the resentment and frustration past the point of recovery? Have all the little no big deal problems reached breaking point? What happens when breaking point occurs? In a house full of nine people there is no moment to regain composure or lose composure. It is stifling, suffocating, and like your skin is burning with no relief.
Then you look outside and see the beauty and amazement of nature. The wonder how something so amazing can exist. If only there was opportunity to explore and enjoy it. A moments rest to acknowledge the wonderment of where I am. All I really need it someone to appreciate what has happened, the understanding they asked more than was was agreed upon. Furthermore, that a twenty three year should be given the option to use her own car and just leave the house for a moment. Given more than just the chance to stand on the ice. Realization that a few extra dollars does not accommodate for such an extension. That this was not a simple task to accommodate for and was trying to be considerate.
How do you control it? How do you move past it? One wrong step and it will all could crumble. The whole barricade could fall apart and the rash decision could cause you to lose everything. How is it that no one around can notice? How do they not realize you have reached the breaking point and offer no solution only push more? Even if they pay for services rendered is there not a line that crosses too far and they risk never getting you back from it? Suddenly the moments that made everything seem like you had a family suddenly just feel like employers, employers that have taken it a step too far.
My social behavior class has really helped to focus in on these realizations and understanding for social relationships. It explains the reasoning why we as human beings react to situations they way we do. Sometimes the lines of social and professional become crossed and can lead to misconceptions. It creates complications. How do you recover? All of this is complicated and confusing. They say you learn a lot about people living with them, maybe this is how the role of nanny becomes complicated. It turns situations from pleasant to miserable. Taking something that seems ordinarily perfect to awful.
How can one family vacation become a nightmare? The count down to returning to normalcy drags on. Will it be normal again though or is the resentment and frustration past the point of recovery? Have all the little no big deal problems reached breaking point? What happens when breaking point occurs? In a house full of nine people there is no moment to regain composure or lose composure. It is stifling, suffocating, and like your skin is burning with no relief.
Then you look outside and see the beauty and amazement of nature. The wonder how something so amazing can exist. If only there was opportunity to explore and enjoy it. A moments rest to acknowledge the wonderment of where I am. All I really need it someone to appreciate what has happened, the understanding they asked more than was was agreed upon. Furthermore, that a twenty three year should be given the option to use her own car and just leave the house for a moment. Given more than just the chance to stand on the ice. Realization that a few extra dollars does not accommodate for such an extension. That this was not a simple task to accommodate for and was trying to be considerate.
Friday, February 17, 2012
An act of faith
Yesterday my grandparents celebrated 60 years of marriage. They were married at 18 and I don't think once have stopped loving eachother. They battled through cancer, heart disease and family death. They triumphed with children, grandchildren, travel, and retirement. It is one of those loves that is magical. The kind most would say was impossible.
How is it that a 60 year marriage is a rarity? Is it a cultural change? Think about it. Back then married at 18 made sense much older and you were going to be an old maid with 20 cats. However, today if 18 year old high school sweethearts get engaged everyone calls them fools. People say you don't know who you are at 18 and can't understand what love is. Yet, it is those young loves that seem to withstand anything. What has our culture done to itself? Does anyone even know what love is anymore? Does anyone really believe in it?
The flip side to the 60 year marriage is that I have also seen the dangerous hurtful love that leaves scars. The kind that leaves you wondering how did these people ever love eachother. I have seen people try to continually make a love work. Make it fit when the entire world says there is nothing there. Yet I also have been one to walkaway before giving it a shot. Unwilling to put in the little extra work required. Unwilling to wait for the failure. Why leave it on a bad note? Isn't it better to just have the happy memories? I know this is sick and twisted yet I know I am not the only person that thinks that way. In fact I sadly know many that do this. Some do it without even realizing it.
As I typed this ironically the news began a piece about gigolos and the growing industry. I stared mesmerized at what was being said. Women talking about this was much better than regular dating, no expectations, no continuation, simple date and no need for a call the next day. In fact some women continued by stating it was the perfect relationship. How is that a relationship? How is that what is socially acceptable? Why do we give up before we try? Why do we encourage others to quit when the road gets hard?
Where does one find that 60 year love? How do you know when you have it and should make it work? When is it time to set aside differences and compromise because it is the real deal? How do you set aside the fear of fighting, growing apart, distance, infidelity, a broken love? I wish I could say I had seen more 60 year loves than broken loves but it is far from the truth. I have watched people passionately fight to make relationships work and perpetually be disappointed by that person. In today's culture the 60 year love could be standing in front of someone and I doubt anyone would ever know it. The expectation is a 72 hour marriage versus 60 years.
All this being said 60 years of marriage should be applauded, admired, adored. It is a special thing to find that more should strive to have. Even if it isn't 60 years they should still strive to find that passion, that drive, that devotion. Be willing to look for it and make the effort to see where the love goes instead of closing yourself off. Or even worse taking yourself out of the game before it really has started. Don't leave yourself wondering what if. I know I am one of the worst at this. Maybe I should take my own advice sometime.
"Love means to commit oneself without guarantee, to give oneself completely in the hope that our love will produce love in the loved person. Love is an act of faith, and whoever is of little faith is also of little love."--Erich Fromm
How is it that a 60 year marriage is a rarity? Is it a cultural change? Think about it. Back then married at 18 made sense much older and you were going to be an old maid with 20 cats. However, today if 18 year old high school sweethearts get engaged everyone calls them fools. People say you don't know who you are at 18 and can't understand what love is. Yet, it is those young loves that seem to withstand anything. What has our culture done to itself? Does anyone even know what love is anymore? Does anyone really believe in it?
The flip side to the 60 year marriage is that I have also seen the dangerous hurtful love that leaves scars. The kind that leaves you wondering how did these people ever love eachother. I have seen people try to continually make a love work. Make it fit when the entire world says there is nothing there. Yet I also have been one to walkaway before giving it a shot. Unwilling to put in the little extra work required. Unwilling to wait for the failure. Why leave it on a bad note? Isn't it better to just have the happy memories? I know this is sick and twisted yet I know I am not the only person that thinks that way. In fact I sadly know many that do this. Some do it without even realizing it.
As I typed this ironically the news began a piece about gigolos and the growing industry. I stared mesmerized at what was being said. Women talking about this was much better than regular dating, no expectations, no continuation, simple date and no need for a call the next day. In fact some women continued by stating it was the perfect relationship. How is that a relationship? How is that what is socially acceptable? Why do we give up before we try? Why do we encourage others to quit when the road gets hard?
Where does one find that 60 year love? How do you know when you have it and should make it work? When is it time to set aside differences and compromise because it is the real deal? How do you set aside the fear of fighting, growing apart, distance, infidelity, a broken love? I wish I could say I had seen more 60 year loves than broken loves but it is far from the truth. I have watched people passionately fight to make relationships work and perpetually be disappointed by that person. In today's culture the 60 year love could be standing in front of someone and I doubt anyone would ever know it. The expectation is a 72 hour marriage versus 60 years.
All this being said 60 years of marriage should be applauded, admired, adored. It is a special thing to find that more should strive to have. Even if it isn't 60 years they should still strive to find that passion, that drive, that devotion. Be willing to look for it and make the effort to see where the love goes instead of closing yourself off. Or even worse taking yourself out of the game before it really has started. Don't leave yourself wondering what if. I know I am one of the worst at this. Maybe I should take my own advice sometime.
"Love means to commit oneself without guarantee, to give oneself completely in the hope that our love will produce love in the loved person. Love is an act of faith, and whoever is of little faith is also of little love."--Erich Fromm
Thursday, February 16, 2012
We all fall down
Bumps, bruises, scrapes, and scars the ultimate journey of life. No person has the same story nor can you get a guide to life book that will answer all the questions. There will be highs and lows and sometimes both in a day. These create our own unique story. It is what we do with it incident that defines who we become. If a person only sees pessimism that is by choice. They choose to see the darkness in the situations rather than the lightness. They chose to dwell on bad and assume there is nothing better. Nevertheless, that is far from true. Very few people never experience trauma in life. It may come in different extents or times or frequent, however, everyone has their own mountains to climb. The self pity and assumption no one else suffers is the true dilemma to those that see only the darkness.
The internal strength every person must find is optimism. It is not always simple to see. It is not always simple to find the goodness in a situation. Furthermore, it may take time to understand why you must suffer through the problem. It is being able to reflect and finding realization that helps make life positive. The positive veiw-point creates a successful life. Any person can find goodness in their life if they look for it. This may be hard to imagine in some instances. When you find yourself in this struggle look for what keeps you moving forward, hoping, dreaming, loving. Hold on to that thing that gives you strength and never lose focus on that. Remember the low points are only temporary and even the scars left behind create a story. Embrace your story.
The internal strength every person must find is optimism. It is not always simple to see. It is not always simple to find the goodness in a situation. Furthermore, it may take time to understand why you must suffer through the problem. It is being able to reflect and finding realization that helps make life positive. The positive veiw-point creates a successful life. Any person can find goodness in their life if they look for it. This may be hard to imagine in some instances. When you find yourself in this struggle look for what keeps you moving forward, hoping, dreaming, loving. Hold on to that thing that gives you strength and never lose focus on that. Remember the low points are only temporary and even the scars left behind create a story. Embrace your story.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
The little moments
Ever have the moment when you just want to pull your hair out and scream at the top of your lungs? It seems like everything in that instant makes you feel crazy. Then all of the sudden prospective hits you and the magnitude of the incidents seem minimal. In fact those little moments seem to be everything but horrid upon reflection.
Today for example was a day where I could have strangled the cutest sixteen month old in the world as she screamed at the top of her lungs for perpetually 5 hours straight anytime she didn't get what she wanted. Furthermore, she learned "flying" out of the crib equaled me running into the room giving her attention. After this long day of being a nanny I tried to arrive to class and someone completely frazzled me into thinking I was in the wrong classroom. Thus I wandered the building for 30 minutes simply looking for the right place (when I was in the right place the whole time). After all was said and done I truly thought I was going insane. But knowing the little one just wanted me was precious and convincing myself I was lost after 5 weeks of this class is funny. In the instant I wanted to scream. The truth is it felt frazzled in the moment but looking back it was a wonderful day. How is it that with jaded glasses everything always seems better?
This continues in the thought when talking with my summer employer and the future as well as the past. We talked a lot over this past summer and the insanity of my life at the time. In the moments I felt like I could cry, have nightmares over everything, and in all honesty that I was failing with the position I was given. But through it I learned more about myself in three months than I could ever have learned in any other experience. In fact, it taught me even in darkness there is light. My boss said that I walked away smile at the end of the summer said a lot. It is funny that is probably true but it was simply because I found distraction for the bad parts and the understanding of so much more. Sure I seemed to have word vomit over all the hospital visits and emergencies and I by far had anger. Nevertheless, as the months fade I really don't know if I would have changed anything. It allowed me to earn my position, trust people, not be so independent, learn to ask for help and understand the magnitude of responsibility I had. If anything I think it made me a better person. I hope the people that saw me suffer through it are able to realize this about themselves as well. Every instant has a lesson behind it.
It seems at every turn of being twenty-two I was having these moments and sometimes I struggled with finding my natural inner optimism. I hope I do not have more trying years as this. However, I truly feel that now, I know how to embrace the bad with the blind faith that all does turn out the way it is meant to be. Every misguided decision this year lead me to a far more responsible, understanding, and realistic person. Although twenty-three sounds old in my mind I know that I still have much growing up to do but I feel that this past year has taught me a better way to approach growing up and how to balance the act. Sure I will alway run head first into chaos, live every moment booked, and continually be stressed; however, I also now can take a breath, let my hair down, and be whoever I want to be not what is expected.
For years I felt that I was striving to be the perfect person that fit into a nice little box. If I strayed from that particular path I would be a disappointment to those around me. I built this imaginary pressure of expectation, convinced myself if I failed those that loved me would love me less. Through all the mistakes, messes, tears, triumphs, and disappointments of the year I realized it is the exact opposite. If anything is it the imperfections that they love more. That no matter who I am, what I do, where I go I will still always be able to make them happy as long as I am happy. It is like all of the sudden the handcuffs I was burdened with were trick handcuffs. More than likely I will always strive for a perfection image; however, it is for myself and not others. It is knowing that if I chose medical school, to earn a PhD, travel the world, work for a non-profit, or make a million dollars it is my choice not because that is what I am required. Deep down I probably always knew this but somehow wired it into my head another way. If someone loves you they accepts you for who you are and do not settle for anything else or let someone make you into a person you do not want to be.
"That's how its supposed to be. Livin young and wild and free"--Bruno Mars
Today for example was a day where I could have strangled the cutest sixteen month old in the world as she screamed at the top of her lungs for perpetually 5 hours straight anytime she didn't get what she wanted. Furthermore, she learned "flying" out of the crib equaled me running into the room giving her attention. After this long day of being a nanny I tried to arrive to class and someone completely frazzled me into thinking I was in the wrong classroom. Thus I wandered the building for 30 minutes simply looking for the right place (when I was in the right place the whole time). After all was said and done I truly thought I was going insane. But knowing the little one just wanted me was precious and convincing myself I was lost after 5 weeks of this class is funny. In the instant I wanted to scream. The truth is it felt frazzled in the moment but looking back it was a wonderful day. How is it that with jaded glasses everything always seems better?
This continues in the thought when talking with my summer employer and the future as well as the past. We talked a lot over this past summer and the insanity of my life at the time. In the moments I felt like I could cry, have nightmares over everything, and in all honesty that I was failing with the position I was given. But through it I learned more about myself in three months than I could ever have learned in any other experience. In fact, it taught me even in darkness there is light. My boss said that I walked away smile at the end of the summer said a lot. It is funny that is probably true but it was simply because I found distraction for the bad parts and the understanding of so much more. Sure I seemed to have word vomit over all the hospital visits and emergencies and I by far had anger. Nevertheless, as the months fade I really don't know if I would have changed anything. It allowed me to earn my position, trust people, not be so independent, learn to ask for help and understand the magnitude of responsibility I had. If anything I think it made me a better person. I hope the people that saw me suffer through it are able to realize this about themselves as well. Every instant has a lesson behind it.
It seems at every turn of being twenty-two I was having these moments and sometimes I struggled with finding my natural inner optimism. I hope I do not have more trying years as this. However, I truly feel that now, I know how to embrace the bad with the blind faith that all does turn out the way it is meant to be. Every misguided decision this year lead me to a far more responsible, understanding, and realistic person. Although twenty-three sounds old in my mind I know that I still have much growing up to do but I feel that this past year has taught me a better way to approach growing up and how to balance the act. Sure I will alway run head first into chaos, live every moment booked, and continually be stressed; however, I also now can take a breath, let my hair down, and be whoever I want to be not what is expected.
For years I felt that I was striving to be the perfect person that fit into a nice little box. If I strayed from that particular path I would be a disappointment to those around me. I built this imaginary pressure of expectation, convinced myself if I failed those that loved me would love me less. Through all the mistakes, messes, tears, triumphs, and disappointments of the year I realized it is the exact opposite. If anything is it the imperfections that they love more. That no matter who I am, what I do, where I go I will still always be able to make them happy as long as I am happy. It is like all of the sudden the handcuffs I was burdened with were trick handcuffs. More than likely I will always strive for a perfection image; however, it is for myself and not others. It is knowing that if I chose medical school, to earn a PhD, travel the world, work for a non-profit, or make a million dollars it is my choice not because that is what I am required. Deep down I probably always knew this but somehow wired it into my head another way. If someone loves you they accepts you for who you are and do not settle for anything else or let someone make you into a person you do not want to be.
"That's how its supposed to be. Livin young and wild and free"--Bruno Mars
Monday, February 13, 2012
Take a Breath
It is funny to think how quickly everyone lets time pass by. How often do you stop and enjoy the moment because the focus is on the future. Saving, planning, preparing, hoping, dreaming. Honestly it seems to be the way the mind is wired, but really is it more just how our culture created us?
Think about it. Growing up you had to do well in elementary school because middle school would be harder, then middle school you were excited for high school. High School was then vital for college and college for your career. It started in kindergarten with the single question "What do you want to be when you grow up." Granted most children will respond of obscure impossible careers. For example I wanted to be a ballerina doctor who owned a restaurant. Yet we are told if we apply ourselves we can achieve whatever our dreams are. For so long I feel all I have thought about is the future. Worrying over what could be. My focus is always looking ahead from two weeks to years. Sometimes I forget to stop and take a breath. Always moving always forward, constant chaos. It is how I survive, the only way I know how to live. In the quiet moments, the calm nothing moments I feel lost.
Yet often I wonder if this is how it is supposed to be. Am I spending my time wishing my life away because I am so busy looking forward. Will everything have passed me by, by the time I arrive at my destination? Will I even notice I have arrived? It seems like yesterday for so many things yet so far away in reality. It is funny how quickly important people, moments, ideas can quickly become distant memories. It is part of "growing up" but the more I "grow up" the less sure I become about everything. I spent so long planning I didn't stop to think if it was not what I wanted and now I seem to spend the whole time trying to make up for that. Everyday my bucket list seems to only grow longer. While time seems to be dwindling away. It does not seem possible to achieve everything and prioritizing it only becomes harder.
The hardest part of it all is to do somethings you truly want you have to walk away from other things that make you incredibly happy and risk the possibility of losing that. This feeling sometimes I feel stops us from taking the risk. The risk of losing it and trying something new can be terrifying and difficult. Believe me I have learned this. Those terrifying moments can make us truly regret our choices but then it seems to settle and make you just as happy as you were before. So take a breath step forward and take the risk. It will pay off. Without the risk you can never move forward and truly experience life.
So even if we are wired to always plan, prepare, hope, dream of the future, it is what allows us to move on, make changes, and adapt. In reality it does help us to enjoy the present. If we have nothing to look forward to then we have no reason to be happy with the present. Thus everything comes full circle so long as there is a balance and you are enjoying every moment of everyday (even if that is focusing on the future)
"Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is to never stop questioning"-Albert Einstein
Think about it. Growing up you had to do well in elementary school because middle school would be harder, then middle school you were excited for high school. High School was then vital for college and college for your career. It started in kindergarten with the single question "What do you want to be when you grow up." Granted most children will respond of obscure impossible careers. For example I wanted to be a ballerina doctor who owned a restaurant. Yet we are told if we apply ourselves we can achieve whatever our dreams are. For so long I feel all I have thought about is the future. Worrying over what could be. My focus is always looking ahead from two weeks to years. Sometimes I forget to stop and take a breath. Always moving always forward, constant chaos. It is how I survive, the only way I know how to live. In the quiet moments, the calm nothing moments I feel lost.
Yet often I wonder if this is how it is supposed to be. Am I spending my time wishing my life away because I am so busy looking forward. Will everything have passed me by, by the time I arrive at my destination? Will I even notice I have arrived? It seems like yesterday for so many things yet so far away in reality. It is funny how quickly important people, moments, ideas can quickly become distant memories. It is part of "growing up" but the more I "grow up" the less sure I become about everything. I spent so long planning I didn't stop to think if it was not what I wanted and now I seem to spend the whole time trying to make up for that. Everyday my bucket list seems to only grow longer. While time seems to be dwindling away. It does not seem possible to achieve everything and prioritizing it only becomes harder.
The hardest part of it all is to do somethings you truly want you have to walk away from other things that make you incredibly happy and risk the possibility of losing that. This feeling sometimes I feel stops us from taking the risk. The risk of losing it and trying something new can be terrifying and difficult. Believe me I have learned this. Those terrifying moments can make us truly regret our choices but then it seems to settle and make you just as happy as you were before. So take a breath step forward and take the risk. It will pay off. Without the risk you can never move forward and truly experience life.
So even if we are wired to always plan, prepare, hope, dream of the future, it is what allows us to move on, make changes, and adapt. In reality it does help us to enjoy the present. If we have nothing to look forward to then we have no reason to be happy with the present. Thus everything comes full circle so long as there is a balance and you are enjoying every moment of everyday (even if that is focusing on the future)
"Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is to never stop questioning"-Albert Einstein
Thursday, February 2, 2012
The Road Not Taken
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far asI could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair.
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Through as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first of another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference
--Robert Frost
This poem was dissected and analyzed in almost every poetry course imagined. Frost meanings and interpretations proclaimed for all to see. But think how applicable it truly is. It feels at every turn "two paths" are given and a decision has to be made. We can sit and ponder what if we had followed the other but alas, there is no ability to change circumstance.
People say you have a few major decisions in life 1) College or no college 2) Who to Marry 3) Career and 4) Buying one's first home. In reality yes those are big decisions but I find that they are far from the only ones that can change a life. In fact it is the little everyday decisions that can have just a large of impact. It is those choices that most people do not blink an eye at that can add up. In the quiet moments alone that clear light shines through and realization of every choice can be seen.
Now I am far from saying reflection leads to regret; rather, confusion and puzzlement. Think, wonder, question: What if I had gone here and done this? What if I had kissed this person or if I had not loved another? What if I had said yes to this job and no to that one? What if I had not taken that road or answered that call? In each instant one change in the mindless decisions could have changed everything. Some decisions are are harder to comprehend than others. In the moment it seemed thoughtless, practical, exciting; however, upon reflection another decision could have be devastating or maybe better. Thus what leads to our decisions?
Big decisions you may make pro/con lists, discuss with others, take time to really think all the possibilities through. Nevertheless, how does one make rash, immediate decisions? How do we not allow ourselves to over think the possibilities and miss an opportunity? Why do people trust their gut instinct? Although not every choice made may have been the best choice I far from regret my life decisions. It is amusing; however, how much those choices have stayed with me and alway seem to be in the back of my mind. It sometimes is hard to turn the brain off from wondering: who my friends would be; what I would be doing; who I would be as a person if I had made one different choice. Furthermore, what my future decisions will do to me.
I am a person that hates change but constantly seems to be in the midst of it. Furthermore, slightly bored without the change. Yet, when it is time to make a choice I struggle always questioning always wondering and after making the decision still continuing to wonder. This even happens when thinking of what to order at a restaurant or present to buy. How do we do it as humankind? How do we teach someone to make the instinctive gut choices that in true reality are all that matter because they lead us to the "major decision."
"Two roads diverged in a wood and I,
It is the essence of being. To truly take a moment and stand out. Be willing to do the unusual or be different from everyone. Leave the security blanket of normalcy behind. Once you are able to do this, the choices, though still difficult and confusing, may leave you with little regret.
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far asI could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair.
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Through as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first of another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference
--Robert Frost
This poem was dissected and analyzed in almost every poetry course imagined. Frost meanings and interpretations proclaimed for all to see. But think how applicable it truly is. It feels at every turn "two paths" are given and a decision has to be made. We can sit and ponder what if we had followed the other but alas, there is no ability to change circumstance.
People say you have a few major decisions in life 1) College or no college 2) Who to Marry 3) Career and 4) Buying one's first home. In reality yes those are big decisions but I find that they are far from the only ones that can change a life. In fact it is the little everyday decisions that can have just a large of impact. It is those choices that most people do not blink an eye at that can add up. In the quiet moments alone that clear light shines through and realization of every choice can be seen.
Now I am far from saying reflection leads to regret; rather, confusion and puzzlement. Think, wonder, question: What if I had gone here and done this? What if I had kissed this person or if I had not loved another? What if I had said yes to this job and no to that one? What if I had not taken that road or answered that call? In each instant one change in the mindless decisions could have changed everything. Some decisions are are harder to comprehend than others. In the moment it seemed thoughtless, practical, exciting; however, upon reflection another decision could have be devastating or maybe better. Thus what leads to our decisions?
Big decisions you may make pro/con lists, discuss with others, take time to really think all the possibilities through. Nevertheless, how does one make rash, immediate decisions? How do we not allow ourselves to over think the possibilities and miss an opportunity? Why do people trust their gut instinct? Although not every choice made may have been the best choice I far from regret my life decisions. It is amusing; however, how much those choices have stayed with me and alway seem to be in the back of my mind. It sometimes is hard to turn the brain off from wondering: who my friends would be; what I would be doing; who I would be as a person if I had made one different choice. Furthermore, what my future decisions will do to me.
I am a person that hates change but constantly seems to be in the midst of it. Furthermore, slightly bored without the change. Yet, when it is time to make a choice I struggle always questioning always wondering and after making the decision still continuing to wonder. This even happens when thinking of what to order at a restaurant or present to buy. How do we do it as humankind? How do we teach someone to make the instinctive gut choices that in true reality are all that matter because they lead us to the "major decision."
"Two roads diverged in a wood and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference"It is the essence of being. To truly take a moment and stand out. Be willing to do the unusual or be different from everyone. Leave the security blanket of normalcy behind. Once you are able to do this, the choices, though still difficult and confusing, may leave you with little regret.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Mouse Adventures, Sick Children, and So Little Time
I can't believe it is already Wednesday. Since I arrived back in the city mid January it has been a whirlwind affair. Time seems to pass by quicker than I can realize. At every turn another week is over. I am into the third week of classes and only 3 more months of lectures, a little over 100 days before I start work at Winona, 2 weeks to my birthday, and so many other things jam packed into my calendar.
It is funny everyone says friends come with time. Sadly, I don't have the time to make that many and it doesn't seem to bother me. It feels as if my day is so "long" that at the end of it I want to curl up on the couch and watch some TV.It is interesting to see what a day will bring some days I feel that I have an abundance of down time and others I can hardly blink. I have to be honest though my job is far from demanding. Somedays the baby sleeps little and there is soup to make, bread to bake, floors to mop, and laundry to wash; nevertheless, other days the baby will sleep hours and the house chores will already be completed. It is the inconsistency that make for the weekly challenge. Homework has to always be done before work because it is unknown if I will have allotted time to complete it during the week and to be honest I can't risk my grades after a mediocre previous semester (mediocre for some may not be the same definition to mediocre but I will let you decide your interpretation to it)
To further this my weekends were not a typical person's weekend although I try and pretend they are leaving me only further exhausted when Monday rolls around. Weekends currently involved 5 hours at least of work both Saturday and Sunday which sadly is longer than my shifts on Wednesday if school is not taken into consideration. And like my summer job sleeping in has become a foreign concept that I will never see. Last "weekend" for example consisted of finishing nannying on Friday at 3:30, going home for an hour and then heading to the YMCA to lifeguard. I then lifeguarded until 10:00 was stuck in Celtics traffic and finally arrived home at 11:30. Upon this I tried to decompress and eat dinner (yes at 11:30 at night don't get me started on how unhealthy I know that is). I then left for work at 8:00 the next morning to teach swim lessons until after 2:00. Finally my weekend could start and what a lovely weekend it was. Strolled around the neighborhood on a bright and semi-warm day and prepared to spend the evening out with my friends. My alarm clock at 8:30 (my "sleep-in"day) did not appreciate my staying up late on Saturday because it was the "weekend" nor did the extraordinarily long day of lessons with uncooperative children. Monday morning only seemed worse. The next thing I know the middle of the week has come and gone. Where is the time going and am I watching it all pass me by?
This week has been even more hectic because the children and my boss are sick. This means an additional little one to care for everyday who doesn't nap like his sister very well considering he is six. My days have been filled with games of Life and Clue, reading Magic Tree House, and making soup. The little he slept was of course the moments the baby was awake leading to hours of 10 Little Lady Bugs, stories in Dutch I pretend I understand, and baby doll "Popee" walking. Of course these little individual moments are what make my day. The smiles and laughs, the cuddles and hugs, and of course the knowledge that somehow they have become part of my family. It will be sad not seeing them every day. I can only imagine my connection to them after a 100 more days working with them.
On the apartment front I have a mortal enemy....a mouse. Traps were set weeks ago and yet he outsmarts them (I however have been trapped on them 3 times). Every time I get close it darts away never to be seen. On Monday night the little rodent braved my apartment longer than normal and I thought I might actually catch it. (Although being not always the brightest on my feet I was trying to figure out how to catch it and what to do with it while it decided its best option was to run underneath my bed). His sudden dashing into under my bed alarmed me I was certain that was not his entrance and exit to my apartment which mean he was instead hiding from me and I prayed he would leave before I went to bed. I finally braved myself away from the couch and made my way to the kitchen to put my leftover dinner away. Apparently my absence from the main room implied he was able to make a run for it...unaware I was in the middle of his escape route. He dashed into the dining area fast as lightening and heading directly towards my feet. I leapt up letting out out a loud scream. Some how managing to jump six feet in the air horizontally from my kitchen chair to my bed without touching the ground. Of course banging my legs and nearly making my bed collapse from shock. I fear if this varmint is not caught soon he is going to risk crawling into bed with me and that I do not think I would take well. It was recommended I through something on it to smash and kill it. It seems inhumane but even worse that means I then have to remove/touch a dead mouse. Maybe I do need to reconsider my stance on cats.
The week is only half over I can only imagine what is still to come.
It is funny everyone says friends come with time. Sadly, I don't have the time to make that many and it doesn't seem to bother me. It feels as if my day is so "long" that at the end of it I want to curl up on the couch and watch some TV.It is interesting to see what a day will bring some days I feel that I have an abundance of down time and others I can hardly blink. I have to be honest though my job is far from demanding. Somedays the baby sleeps little and there is soup to make, bread to bake, floors to mop, and laundry to wash; nevertheless, other days the baby will sleep hours and the house chores will already be completed. It is the inconsistency that make for the weekly challenge. Homework has to always be done before work because it is unknown if I will have allotted time to complete it during the week and to be honest I can't risk my grades after a mediocre previous semester (mediocre for some may not be the same definition to mediocre but I will let you decide your interpretation to it)
To further this my weekends were not a typical person's weekend although I try and pretend they are leaving me only further exhausted when Monday rolls around. Weekends currently involved 5 hours at least of work both Saturday and Sunday which sadly is longer than my shifts on Wednesday if school is not taken into consideration. And like my summer job sleeping in has become a foreign concept that I will never see. Last "weekend" for example consisted of finishing nannying on Friday at 3:30, going home for an hour and then heading to the YMCA to lifeguard. I then lifeguarded until 10:00 was stuck in Celtics traffic and finally arrived home at 11:30. Upon this I tried to decompress and eat dinner (yes at 11:30 at night don't get me started on how unhealthy I know that is). I then left for work at 8:00 the next morning to teach swim lessons until after 2:00. Finally my weekend could start and what a lovely weekend it was. Strolled around the neighborhood on a bright and semi-warm day and prepared to spend the evening out with my friends. My alarm clock at 8:30 (my "sleep-in"day) did not appreciate my staying up late on Saturday because it was the "weekend" nor did the extraordinarily long day of lessons with uncooperative children. Monday morning only seemed worse. The next thing I know the middle of the week has come and gone. Where is the time going and am I watching it all pass me by?
This week has been even more hectic because the children and my boss are sick. This means an additional little one to care for everyday who doesn't nap like his sister very well considering he is six. My days have been filled with games of Life and Clue, reading Magic Tree House, and making soup. The little he slept was of course the moments the baby was awake leading to hours of 10 Little Lady Bugs, stories in Dutch I pretend I understand, and baby doll "Popee" walking. Of course these little individual moments are what make my day. The smiles and laughs, the cuddles and hugs, and of course the knowledge that somehow they have become part of my family. It will be sad not seeing them every day. I can only imagine my connection to them after a 100 more days working with them.
On the apartment front I have a mortal enemy....a mouse. Traps were set weeks ago and yet he outsmarts them (I however have been trapped on them 3 times). Every time I get close it darts away never to be seen. On Monday night the little rodent braved my apartment longer than normal and I thought I might actually catch it. (Although being not always the brightest on my feet I was trying to figure out how to catch it and what to do with it while it decided its best option was to run underneath my bed). His sudden dashing into under my bed alarmed me I was certain that was not his entrance and exit to my apartment which mean he was instead hiding from me and I prayed he would leave before I went to bed. I finally braved myself away from the couch and made my way to the kitchen to put my leftover dinner away. Apparently my absence from the main room implied he was able to make a run for it...unaware I was in the middle of his escape route. He dashed into the dining area fast as lightening and heading directly towards my feet. I leapt up letting out out a loud scream. Some how managing to jump six feet in the air horizontally from my kitchen chair to my bed without touching the ground. Of course banging my legs and nearly making my bed collapse from shock. I fear if this varmint is not caught soon he is going to risk crawling into bed with me and that I do not think I would take well. It was recommended I through something on it to smash and kill it. It seems inhumane but even worse that means I then have to remove/touch a dead mouse. Maybe I do need to reconsider my stance on cats.
The week is only half over I can only imagine what is still to come.
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