Act of Balancing

Do you hear the small voice in your head that helps dictate your decisions (no hearing voices), the voice that is your internal guidance? The one that gives you worry, joy, happiness, excitement. It is the one that fills my head with doubt often.  There seems to be a continual pendulum of worry. Am I pretending it is all coming together or is? Have I taken on too much or can I handle it? Will it all fall apart in the end like it has previously? How do I know it is all going to work out? When can I get it all settled? Am I falling into old patterns?

We have wants, needs, desires, hopes, and dreams. The perpetually flow through out mind; however, before we know it another day, month, year has passed us by. We pretend we have all the time in the world but in reality it is the furthest thing from the truth. If we spend it all thinking about eventually getting somewhere we will have lived our lives without actually doing anything. If you don't enjoy what you are doing change it. If you know you are just going through the motions find a passion. If you know that relationship isn't write change it. If you missed an opportunity try and fight to get it back. I am a firm believer everything works itself out; however, we do have to take some responsibility. If we never speak up nothing can change. Truly think about what you want, who you need, and where you are supposed to be. Live every moment while you can. Do not pretend your goals will come true by waiting for it. You have to have responsibility and take control.

I say these words and yet I know I easily fall into old habits. I find procrastination to be simple. Then my mind reminds me that if I stop and breath too long everything I want could easily be lost and there will not be a second chance. If I want what I saw I do then I can't take the time to just relax...because it will slip through my fingers. My old habits will not be enough to achieve all I need to achieve. I have to prove myself not just to myself but to others. Consequently they do have some control over my next steps in life. I must accept responsibility. This being said there are so many pieces that fall into that situation will they all come together?

For example: Rwanda. This is where I want to be. I followed through and found the perfect internship. However, to make the pieces come together my school must approve it. This means nearly perfect grades, a good GPA, and recommendations from my professors. Meanwhile there is the cost. This means working to save money, pay off debt, pay bills. Therefore, working as much as possible. Overall that is exhausting. Then sitting down to focus on school that even the aspects I enjoy grueling...the parts I do not is misery. There is no moment of down time. No moment for play. When those moments are taken then it is money spent and time lost. With that were is the motivation to move in and unpack so the mess piles on. In my mind all that fills is self-doubt and worry. All I want is the yes. The approval. Then I know what I am working towards. The uncertainty brings the question is it worth it. Am I telling people for no reason? Too many stipulations. It is like the cookie jar just out of reach with what you desire most. When is the voice in the head correct? When should it be ignored? Am I pretending to have it all together when it is really out of control? Can I go for what I want and make the rest work itself out?