Feet Back On the Ground

Radio blasted. Miles driven. Pull into home. At least the thing that feels most like home anymore. The only consistent place in the past few years. There is a sense of stability, familiarity, security, and most of all reassurance. Something in life that seems together. Something that does not make you feel powerless in the world. That is the feelings that cross my mind as I enter the gates. I leave the rest of the world behind. Try and return to the person I was when I was here.

If I can just focus on this maybe everything spiraling out of control will somehow fall into place. Get just one thing right and I will feel like who I am supposed to be. Something I know I will not fail at. Something to bring me back to reality. If only it was really true things could remain the same. Friends change, feelings change, dynamics change. This all leaves a question in the mind. Will that affect your success? Will you be able to control the emotions? Can you push certain questions to back to your mind? Can you forget all the outside world problems? Will it all really come together? Are you any better off? Can you turn off your mind just a minute? How do you accept the differences and embrace the goodness coming out of it? Just breath. Let the anxieties cease. People put their faith into you for a reason everything else does not really matter. Those thoughts are not the reasons for being here or have anything to do with the situations at hand.

One step at a time. Realize your feet are back on the ground. They may have hit it running but they can touch and feel it. This is one place you do know what you are doing. This is one place you can keep it together. One place free to be whoever you want to be. Enjoy it while it lasts. Prove to yourself you still can be you. Blast the radio. Drive the miles. Come home. Remember this is your family. They make you smile, laugh, cry, scream, jump, and work you harder than anything you have ever experienced. That is what it is all about. Turn the mind off and get to work.

Realization

The last box was loaded into the truck. One look around and the place was as empty as it started nine months ago. Yet there was far from the same feelings as the door swung shut and locked behind me. What a whirlwind of emotions it has been. How can it be a year already? Why is life passing by so quickly? 

There was anticipation, excitement, and a stomach full of knots as I picked up the keys to my first real apartment. It was all mine. It was my home in a brand new city. I could not stop grinning as I unlocked the door and awaited my palace. My mouth instantly dropped as the door swung open. What was this dump I was spending an absorbent amount of money on? This was not going to work. Tears flirted around my eyes. I was utterly ashamed of the tiny, dinky, old apartment I was going to be residing in. How would any one ever enjoy my place? How could I show my family my success if I lived in a gross apartment? 

The boxes arrived. Ikea became my new best friend. The drab walls filled with pictures. The furniture fit quaintly into the room. Suddenly before my eyes the apartment had a look. It no longer was horrid. It was livable to say the least. As time progressed that feeling of livable became love. It was my home and I was proud of it. Even when the windows break; the toilet runs incessantly; there is an uneven stream of hot and cold water in the shower; and a pet mouse they were my problems in my home. The quarks that make the place unique. 

As the curtains came down and the boxes filled something felt incomplete. Looking around the empty room was sad. It was not that the apartment appeared grotesque like my first encounter.  I was giving away my home. I was giving away the perfect place. A place I found to be beautiful. A place that was my safe haven in a confusing city.  It brings realization that time passes too quickly. 

Am I the same girl that entered the "big city?" What direction will I head now? Is it already time for a new adventure? Everyone says that the girl that entered the city nine months ago is not the same person leaving. It is hard to say. If anything the world only seems more confusing. Less guided. Less focused. It opened my mind to a world of possibilities. The possibilities are overwhelming.  Yet I learned through all the missteps this past year it truly does turn itself into the best situation. 

Instead of the strict life plan I created many years ago I have begun to bushwhack a new path. It is beyond terrifying. Yet it is apparent the strict road I created no longer fits. I cannot depend on a strict plan. There must be flexibility, thrill, excitement, and an open mind. Only with that realization will I be guided into whatever my life is meant to be. I must cease opportunity because in an instant it could all be taken away. The people I love will love me so long as I am doing what makes me happy not what is I feel is expected. I must be my own person even when I am not sure who that person may be. 

I do not know if I have changed for better or for worse. I do not know what I have changed into or exactly how I have changed. I barely can comprehend that this year has passed. I do know that I am only more excited for the next chapter whatever it may bring.   

Take control

People cannot control me. They cannot make my life choices for me. Every thing that occurs in my life is by my accord. There maybe some things that are destiny however; other people are not the deciding factor on how I handle the situation. No one has that right. No one can take away my freedom of choice or my free will. They do not have the right to make me feel inadequate or inept.

Every person has the ability to be strong, courageous, brave, powerful, intelligent, adventurous, or any other adjective he or she chooses. If others being to control you then you lose this ability. Ultimately losing yourself, breaking your spirit, and becoming someone you cannot even recognize. Waiting for an answer from someone else is not going to solve the problems that you carry on your shoulders. Only you yourself can do this. Do not believe I feel you must carry a burden alone.

There is a vast difference from a support system and a controlling system. One must be able to recognize this. A support system is vital to survival. These are the people you can be vulnerable with. People that will love you no matter the choices you make. They hold your hand when you are at your lowest. They carry you up the mountain when your legs give away. These people are the people that draw you out of darkness. A controlling system draws you into darkness. They create a monster from the person you once were. They cause you to question your abilities, your knowledge, and your own strength. They make you feel powerless. If you lose control it is a slippery slope down hill. The world beings to crumble around you.

Take control. Make your own decisions. Take responsibility for mistakes. Ask for help. Do not let your world spiral out of control. When it spirals is it hard to reign it back in. Step back from the situation and look with fresh eyes. Do not be afraid to breath and accept that you may not be prepared for what lays ahead. It is okay to be scared; however, it is not okay to run from the fear.

Often times we act in opposition of a suggestion of command simple because the person giving the directions has not earned trust or seems to not be looking at you as an individual. This creates rash choices with usually severe consequences. The harder an individual is pushed the worse the retaliation. There is little thought over what actually may be best or where that path will lead. Sadly, it makes all other suggestion go unheard. This is human instinct. The essence of reverse psychology. People feel if their freedom is being taken then they must fight with all their heart to keep that said freedom. This has benefits and drawbacks.

By standing and fighting for your rights you are not allowing yourself to be controlled. You are not allowing someone to break you. However, you may not be doing what is ultimately the correct choice for you. It may not be what you feel is best. Furthermore, it may only cause more unwanted stress. This is the moment to step back from the situation and look at what your feelings tell you. That is how you truly take control.

Do not feel that by succumbing to the suggestion is admitting defeat. You must come to terms with an idea on your own. It must be something you know is the right thing to do. Moreover, if you mind says the suggestion is the right thing to do; do not purposely fight it because it was an unwanted suggestion.

Once you have made your own decision, once you have stopped waiting for others to decide, once you have come to terms with the outcome you want, then there is a release inside. It is as if the pressure in a tire is slowing being let out. There is an ability to breath. There is return of your power, your strength, and your focus. The pieces fit together and life seems as normal as a life can be. Sometimes it is hard to stay in control. Sometimes it is hard to admit defeat. Life is not in control you are, therefore take it.

Dazed and Confused

The story of a life. There are always ups and downs. Nevertheless it always feels like when it rains it pours. This downpour however last for days on end. There seems to be no release. How is it so many things can occur at once. Does luck exist? If not how to do you explain good and bad things that occur randomly and unexpectedly? Is there always an uphill climb? Do we thrive on drama and problems? Would life be dull without stress?

Holding it all together

You just keep picking things up and holding on to them. Your arms being to hold a large load and little pieces being to drop unnoticed. Your arms are stretched so far you can feel the pull between your shoulder blades. Then the seams burst and it all comes tumbling to the floor. There is a larger mess than what began. This is what always seems to happen.

A smile remains on your face. Constantly pretending it is all together while secretly feeling like you are drowning. One day you can no longer can contain yourself. You lose it and there is no turning back. The bottle has exploded and the aftermath is all that remains. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why is it so hard for mankind to simply ask for help? Why do we put on a viscid to all?

I know I think if I pretend that is all okay to people it helps me keep the ideal that it will all be okay. That eternal optimism I try to grasp so desperately. Believing if I lose control for just a second then I am succumbing to defeat.  That being vulnerable is weak, furthermore, that I should be able to bear any burden. Why should I not be able to? Have I not dealt with much greater sorrows in life? Often I feel that crumbling over petty things is beneath me. That I have experienced too many other things in life to let the little things keep me down. Thus I let the situations build. Pretending the stress is in control. Pretending I can handle it all. That is until the weight is too heavy, the anxiety overwhelming and I break.

However, I break still trying to grasp for control. Trying to not let others observe this moment. Ashamed when they see the smile falter from my face. Attempting to turn attention elsewhere. Why is it that it is difficult to ask for help? Why is it difficult to show stress and anxiety? In reality that simple hug, piece of advice, helping hand, acknowledgement it is a lot makes it so much easier. That release of the eternal emotions is revitalizing. It it like slowly releasing the air from a ballon that was too full. It finally feels like I will not burst. Yet I still remain the same. I still do the same thing perpetually. Occasionally releasing the emotions to a few granted permission, yet feeling embarrassed to make someone listen to me. Why is it easier to put your problems on the back burner and deal with other peoples? Why does it have to be a one sided relationship? Is there a balance?

Do we pretend because if we pretend it will all work out? Is it the automatic light in my head that says everything happens for a reason and works the way it is supposed to be? Does this just keep me going? When did I become such a "yes man" that I could never say no, never take time for myself, never prioritize my needs? Where is the line?

1.2.3 breath and it will work out. It is okay to lose it every once in a while. Bottling it inside only creates more anxiety.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the thing I can; and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardships as a pathway to peace..."

That seems to play in my head a lot these days. It is true for anyone. Sometimes we just have to have a little patience and realization. Things could be much worse than they are. Someone else is having a worse time than I am. Furthermore, every action in life makes us a little stronger and guide us to our life path.

It was over before it began

Look back to a year ago. What were you doing? Does it seem that it could have already been a year? Have you accomplished your goals? Are you doing what you want? Have you become a better person? What's missing? Are there regrets? Have you learned anything?

Every minute passes by so quickly. Shocking that a year can end before it felt like it really started. Planning and prepping for the future over takes time. Money spent and lost. Nothing really changes when everything appears to change. In reality everything is always the same. How can we progress when our minds do not progress.

The quickest year went by. The world was shaken but  I came walking out dazed and confused. What have I been doing? How is it over? What should be next? What should I be doing? Where am I going? Why does it feel incomplete? How did I miss my opportunity before I knew it was there?