Do you ever look back? Look at all the time that has passed before you and wonder where has time gone? How can it be that so many things have occurred and become distant memories? Stand it complete shock at how people were correct in saying that in a blink of an eye something will be over?
This coming year will be 16 years since my father passed away; 10 since my grandmother; 9 since my grandfather; my 5 year high school reunion will be occurring; my 5th summer on staff at a Girl Scout Camp; my godson will be turning 10; and my mother retiring from work . September 11 will be 11 years ago; the 6th presidential election of my lifetime will be held; and technology has progressed at a magnitude unimaginable. What have I been doing? What have I achieved? Who have I become? Is it what I wanted to be doing?
If you had asked me 16 years ago or even 10 years ago what my life would be like. I far would have expected it to be this. I would never have moved 1200 miles from home; be earning a Masters in something at the time I had never heard of; considering moving to Africa for 6 months; working 65 hours a week; lifeguarding; nannying; working as a Waterfront Director; living in a Studio Apartment; own my own car; and be completely unsure of where life will be taking me next.
I am a planner; a workaholic; slightly obsessive compulsive person with a fear of change. That being said I seem to always be seeking change. As anyone would agree I cannot still or stand still neither can my dreams and goals. At any given moment a new idea or dream pops into my head. A challenge to take, an obsession to reach. Nothing is ever to big or to small to do. The list seems to be eternally growing. The present becomes the means to the end of the goal. Whatever I am currently doing is for whatever my next big thing is. Saving, working, planning. Then the goal is reached and the new one pushes forward. Never am I taking the time to truly enjoy the achievement or the amazement of what has occurred. It is as if the pinballs in my head cannot stop long enough to just breath.
No one could ask me where I will be in 10 years. I used to answer that in a heartbeat and no I have no clue. There are too many things to do and see. Will I run out of time before I can achieve it all? When do I start prioritizing? When do I start cutting things off the list of other things? Am I too busy planning for the future careers, travel, goals to start planning for settling down, relationships, children? It seems at every turn my friends are filled with thoughts of engagement, settling down, buying homes, having children. Those once were what I expected to be thinking about at 23. Now it seems the furtherest thing on my mind. A relationship longer than 3 months is impossible. Even when things are good work and preparation for the future get in the way. Furthermore, I am unwilling to sacrifice for the relationship. Unwilling to put in the time for long-distance, long-term, commitment. Is it that it isn't the right person or it just is something I have put on the back burner? Children seem even more long-term. Yet the internal clock makes me realize at some point I am going to have to stop and look at those as priorities?
Medical school or PhD? Which do I want. When will I take time for them? The goal is to reach on by the age of 30; but can I fit it in with all my other plans? Do I want to work overseas or in the nation? Do I want to work for a NGO or the government? Do I stay in Boston? Move to NYC, Washington DC, or the West Coast? All seem thrilling, exciting, and possible. The older I get the more possibilities I see. It is as if a whole new world has been unlocked. As if I lived in a small bubble and the more I grow the larger the bubble becomes. It makes me want to see and do everything. When do those goals however make the present no fun? When do I decide to live in the present and enjoy these times? I am young and free but never having time? Where is the shut off valve? How do you achieve it all? How do you know what you should or shouldn't be doing?
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