Sign to stop or Challenge to overcome

Have you ever wanted something that it is all consuming? It becomes the only you can think about. You spend every minute, planning, preparing, even dreaming about it. The desire borders you hindering your abilities to do anything. You smile when you talk about it. You tell everyone about it. Your excitement draws everyone in.

What about the obstacles that approach it? I have always been a person that believes everything always works out the way it is supposed to. Everything happens for a reason. The eternal optimist. However, I wonder at what point to I keep pushing to persevere and what point I decide it is not meant to be? What signs are they meant to be? It seems like a path of faith. When do you say that it is not mean to be, that this was not the path I should take? What point do I give up my hopes with the knowledge something else is supposed to be my journey.

Every bone in my body tells me this is the path I am meant to take; however, each day and new challenge makes me question if I am just fighting the signs. It makes me wonder every time another problem arises makes me wonder if something greater is telling me that it is a mistake. How do I know what if it is simply part of the journey or a sign it is not meant to be? How do I give up on something I have dreamed of for a very long time? How do I stop trying for something I have already over come so many challenges? How long do I continue to believe the answer will come when it is quickly approaching and more problems than solutions remain? How am I going to make it work?

 Am I being selfish? What is this doing to those around me? When are the tears of others trying to help more than it is worth? If this isn't my journey then what is? When am I out of options or the solutions not worth the dream?

Maybe it isn't my once in a lifetime opportunity...maybe I won't regret it if I give it up....maybe it will stop being an obsession...or maybe the answers will come, even if it seems miles away. If I can't handle the airfare then how am I ever supposed to make it work without straining the ones I care most about....the one who has already given me everything? Will going destroy everything else? I

 suppose it is irony that a mission trip brings in my largest question of faith and feeling powerless while I wait for the solution.

Roots of Strength.

On a bus, earplugs in, music on shuffle, staring out the window. Moments pass by and with the time every thought floods the mind. Then suddenly a song surrounds your ears and it is the essence of your thoughts. The culmination of the journey to my life.

It isn't growing up; it is understanding where you came from that makes you into who you will become. It teaches you how to form your own life. My family are my roots. They keep me grounded when things start to blow around me. No matter what strikes me I can overcome it because where and who I come from. I do not have to be alone no matter how far away I go. I know that I have people hoping and loving me. I may fear disappointing others however my personal expectations far exceed their expectations. So long as I do what I love I will never disappoint them. As long as I am me they will support me.

It is not about money, nor status, nor success. It is about making a difference. It is about helping those who cannot help themselves. It is about giving it your all in whatever you do. Never give mediocre performances because others are relying on you. My journey will be an experience but all that matters is that it is helping the underserved and underprivileged. I know in my bones that is what I am meant to do. The journey will not be easy. It will be beyond challenging. It is not the simplest task but it is not supposed to be.  My strength will be my roots. The people who held me strong when I fell. Now I need to be the roots for others who do not have that support anywhere else.

Roots Before Branches

So many things to do and say
But I can't seem to find my way
But I wanna know how  I know I'm meant for something else
But First I gotta find myself but I don't know how
Oh, why do I reach for the stars when I don't have wings to carry me that far?
I gotta have roots before branches to know who I am before I know who I wanna be
And faith to take chances to live like I see a place in this world for me
Sometimes I don't wanna feel and forget the pain is real
Put my head in the clouds
Oh, start to run and then I fall
Thinking I can't get it all without my feet on the ground
There's always a seed before there's a rose
The more that it rains the more I will grow
Whatever comes I know how to take it
Learn to be strong I won't have to fake it
Oh you're understandin the wind can come and do its best
Blow me north, and south, east, and west but I'll still be standing
I'll be standing

Act of Balancing

Do you hear the small voice in your head that helps dictate your decisions (no hearing voices), the voice that is your internal guidance? The one that gives you worry, joy, happiness, excitement. It is the one that fills my head with doubt often.  There seems to be a continual pendulum of worry. Am I pretending it is all coming together or is? Have I taken on too much or can I handle it? Will it all fall apart in the end like it has previously? How do I know it is all going to work out? When can I get it all settled? Am I falling into old patterns?

We have wants, needs, desires, hopes, and dreams. The perpetually flow through out mind; however, before we know it another day, month, year has passed us by. We pretend we have all the time in the world but in reality it is the furthest thing from the truth. If we spend it all thinking about eventually getting somewhere we will have lived our lives without actually doing anything. If you don't enjoy what you are doing change it. If you know you are just going through the motions find a passion. If you know that relationship isn't write change it. If you missed an opportunity try and fight to get it back. I am a firm believer everything works itself out; however, we do have to take some responsibility. If we never speak up nothing can change. Truly think about what you want, who you need, and where you are supposed to be. Live every moment while you can. Do not pretend your goals will come true by waiting for it. You have to have responsibility and take control.

I say these words and yet I know I easily fall into old habits. I find procrastination to be simple. Then my mind reminds me that if I stop and breath too long everything I want could easily be lost and there will not be a second chance. If I want what I saw I do then I can't take the time to just relax...because it will slip through my fingers. My old habits will not be enough to achieve all I need to achieve. I have to prove myself not just to myself but to others. Consequently they do have some control over my next steps in life. I must accept responsibility. This being said there are so many pieces that fall into that situation will they all come together?

For example: Rwanda. This is where I want to be. I followed through and found the perfect internship. However, to make the pieces come together my school must approve it. This means nearly perfect grades, a good GPA, and recommendations from my professors. Meanwhile there is the cost. This means working to save money, pay off debt, pay bills. Therefore, working as much as possible. Overall that is exhausting. Then sitting down to focus on school that even the aspects I enjoy grueling...the parts I do not is misery. There is no moment of down time. No moment for play. When those moments are taken then it is money spent and time lost. With that were is the motivation to move in and unpack so the mess piles on. In my mind all that fills is self-doubt and worry. All I want is the yes. The approval. Then I know what I am working towards. The uncertainty brings the question is it worth it. Am I telling people for no reason? Too many stipulations. It is like the cookie jar just out of reach with what you desire most. When is the voice in the head correct? When should it be ignored? Am I pretending to have it all together when it is really out of control? Can I go for what I want and make the rest work itself out?

Self Awareness and Identity

People say college is the time of self discovery. The place you learn who you are. The time to experience everything. It is the preparation for the adult world. This always seemed true. I learned about myself, made life-long friends, and most importantly earn a solid education. In my mind I was prepared to be an adult. I learned my political beliefs and reassured my morals. Four years well spent.

It was simple I was brought up on mid-west values, had small town exposure, a private school education, a democratic mother and a republican grandfather. I was informed, considerate and compassionate. I prided my self on involvement and activity. According to my society the essence of what a person should be. How could there be room for anymore self identity. Somehow over the past year I have realized how small minded my world truly had been. How I limited myself by my surroundings. My environment dictated my position, my choices, my beliefs. I used to admit I lived three lives: college, camp, and home.

College: conservative, sorority, education, and partying. Camp: liberal, playful, loud, crazy, active. Home: an intermediate of the two and incredibly self-reservered. There were different expectations and acceptances. Now do not get me wrong none of these worlds seemed incomplete. Furthermore, everyone made me perfectly content. It was easy to slip in and out of the various worlds without little thought or collision. Each component giving me a different aspect to life.

Currently a big push in society is global community. The theory is in a global world there should be cultural acceptance and understanding. We focus learning about cultural difference across the world.  Yet has it even been stopped to think of the cultural differences within our own society. Sure there are the stereotypes of the "SOUTH" "WEST COAST" "EAST COAST" and "MID WEST" is it ever considered how these stereotypes form a person? Is it the cultural exposure and education that lead to that? Is there more to these unique cultures than just the stereotypes?

Working at camp was my first true exposure to differences and acceptance.  Seeing and understanding different cultures nationally and internationally. There was even cultural differences on what was acceptable within different camps based on location. It brought a broader understanding on racial, ethical, sexual, and gender identity differences. An experience that received little knowledge within my hometown or college. Consequently, vastly what was observed  in college and home was not always shown with the strongest connotations. The "bible belt" stereotype striking strong. Suddenly bringing light to how little I truly knew. This is not to say my family, friends, or myself were not naturally accepting; however, it is to say that the community as a whole was undereducated on these experiences and rather jaded.

In the process of this and travel with my mother I quickly fell in love with the East Coast. It was suddenly where I yearned to be. Although moving halfway across the country was terrifying I never questioned if I would "fit in." I also lacked incredible knowledge about what the city I was moving to beheld. This for a while was a struggle. It seemed simple to focus on the "East Coast Snobbery," rude drivers, and how private people were. In my mind people came from "Old Money" here and had to have strong conservative viewpoints. It was culture shock to realize how in reality I was close-minded and many of the people I was close to as well.

Suddenly there is a realization how unprepared my mind was. I still had a bountiful amount to learn and identify. This was the reason for how lost the last year felt. There was an overwhelming feeling of not knowing who I was. My worlds had finally all collided and nothing fit completely. It was not my friends or family defining my beliefs and morals. It was my own decisions based on my educations, passions, and ideals. Ironically it is the type of education and exposure you receive that forms your identity. For example last year I went to a party with a friend. There was a lesbian couple at the party who I had worked on a project with present. My friend deduced we must hangout with different people because she didn't want the lesbian couple to have the impression we were a couple. Furthermore, proceeded to throw herself a the guys at the party to ensure no one would make a mistake. Although it was amusing because it had crossed no ones mind at the party except my friend; it also was incredibly frustrating. How could someone I considered my friend be that close-minded?

It was the beginning of a new thought process. Previously I had understood how different cultures, races, and those with various sexual orientation struggled  in college and high school; however, it has always "not been my problem." In my mind it did not affect me; however, it should have. We teach girls at camp that standing aside a letting gossip and bullying occur is as bad as being the perpetrator. The city gave me exposure to more than anything my I could experience in my small mid-west communities; however, it is my education that defines the exposure with understanding.

Public Health requires a vast understanding and frankly, an incredibly liberal mindset. However, is all public health education the same? If my education had been in the "SOUTH" "MID WEST" or "WEST COAST" would my opinions be different? Do the political, religious, and cultural beliefs define the education received? Ironically my mother who grew up in the Mid West with her republican father always had the beliefs I finally have come full circle to. Why is it that it took me moving across the country to understand what she always knew? Simple my mother always wanted me to pick my own belief system based on my morals and education.

There must be a movement to find acceptance. Often beliefs are formed due to family beliefs; however, the education system must be able to fill in the blanks left. A person must be able to make their own beliefs based on knowledge and understanding; not because they are told to believe this. A view can only be wrong if it is uneducated. An opinion is personal; however it must be supported by data and fact. Once the data and fact is received there is clarity on what should occur.

When my mother visited she told me she knew I had outgrown my hometown. I did not completely understand. I knew that when I was home I itched and felt out of place. It is the realization that my views not longer collide with my cultural exposure at home.  Yet I feel stronger and more sure of myself than ever before. I could fight for my beliefs without tears. I know why I believe what I believe and would support them to any length. It is how I know I want to change the world.

It will be worthwhile

Do everything in your power to make the difference you intend to make. Do not become so self absorbed, the ambition to change the world is over come by selfish moments in the present. This is a constant reminder. The sacrifices made are for a reason. To achieve anything there are other situations that must be passed along. Move forward and move on. Go for what you want no matter the costs.

I look back at my day to day life. I question if I am making the right choices. Am I simply choosing to work hours for no reason? Then I remember what I want. What I need to do to achieve this. I sacrifice to achieve. Am I missing out? Is it pathetic to not feel like I am missing anything? To have outgrown the social aspect of life?  I work, do homework, go to school, and sleep. This is the essence of me. Yet I am not dissatisfied. I am content. Periodically I want more. Periodically I question my choices. But the innate feeling inside pushes me forward. Stay focused there is too much at stake. This is my chance to change the world.

"Here's to the crazy ones. The misfis. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."--Apple Inc.

Do Something. Do Anything Don't Stop

We move about from day to day.  Simply living not completely comprehending. Often times we look for goals or we keep our head down and hope to go unnoticed. We take advantage of time we assume we have, advantage of the possibilities we assume eventually we will achieve. The saying "Stop and Smell the Roses" essentially needs to be engrained on the eyelids of every person. Do you take the time to stop for anything? Do you take the little minutes to enjoy what you have?

Some may say their life is far from what they want it to be. They know it can be better. Nevertheless, life is what you make it. Sure striving for more is never a bad thing; however, you do need to take a moment and embrace everything you already have accomplished. Enjoy the sun shining on your face and the knowledge you are slowly but surly living your dream. If you feel you will never achieve your dream or you have settled for less than what you deserve then do something about it. Go out and achieve what you want.

So often we sit and wonder what if. We dwell on the past. We keep hoping for someday. Someday is today. Do not just idly sit back and watch life pass you by. Do not ignore possibilities.  If you are holding back something you need to tell someone, say it. Life is too short to just wait for an opportunity. You never know when you are having your last conversation with someone. You never know when life can change. It all can happen in an instant.

People may look at you in confusion as you pack your bags for your next big adventure; however smile an internal smile and know you are taking a chance. If there is was no risk in life it is dull and meaningless. Memories last a lifetime; money only funds the memories. Living life wealthy in misery is far worse than living poor and happy. Do not live selfishly but rather selflessly. Make a difference to someone. Save the world one person at a time.

Do something. Do anything. Do not let the world and time move forward without you Do not waste the moments you have. Embrace your time. Enjoy what you have while you have it. We only have this one life, make the most of it.

"Opportunities do not come with their values stamped upon them. Everyone must be challenged. A day dawns, quite like other days; in it a single hour comes, quite like other hours; but in that day and in that hour the chance of a lifetime faces us."

The Mind

Does the mind ever shut down? Does it always feel  as if it runs faster than the speed of light? Mine quickly jumps from thought to thought constantly bringing up another anxiety, memory, want or need. It often yells louder than the outside world. It makes me feel out of control because the unending lists it continues to make.

One second my mind is thinking of how things once were. What I was doing a year ago and the year before that. It compares itself to previous times. Always analyzing if success is reached. Moments it misses what I once had and other seconds it is dreaming of what is yet to come. The mind is a complex place. If someone could ever read mine it would be a jumbled mess of half thoughts forgotten in the race of life.

The mind is the Energizer bunny that truly never stops going and going. Often times I wish for just second it could shut up and I could just be. The more silence that surrounds me the more my mind speaks to me. Often times only leaving me more confused than before. It seems to have little direction or understanding of where it is leading me.

Settling In

When did life become such a whirlwind affair? Just as things feel secure it is time to pick up and go again. It is total by life choice and ever exciting; however, do is it add an unending anxiety? Do things ever work out according to plan or is it my duty to have to always take the long way to a solution? If things were simple they by far would not be the story of my life.

Where is home? What is home? Is it a place or a feeling? With constant movement over the past year it feels like a nomadic life. Knowing I have people in places is reassuring Nevertheless, it does contain a moment of realization when you stopped caring for the significantly close bonds because you know they are elsewhere. Would it be easier to create them? Is it pointless when the knowledge you are leaving in just a short while?

Do you realize how much precious time is simply wasted in a day? An hour of transportation there, 30 minutes of idle laziness there, 45 minutes watching mindless television...before it can be realized a day is completed. What has be truly accomplished? How can it be it can take me as long to go from class to my apartment in a day as it did to drive home from college in undergraduate; however, it seems like nothing now? How did we change to not being bothered to waste time. Are we wasting life away? Should we be doing something bigger?

Which life am I biding time away at? Sometimes it feels after I sit in one chapter of my life twiddling my thumbs waiting for the next chapter. As if the time spent now is just filler until the next part. That should not be a way to live life. Why is it that the mind forces you to always want more and want different? When do we become satisfied? When do we feel complete? How do we know what we are looking for? When do you feel like you have reached the finished line and can just sit back and enjoy the glory? Furthermore, when do you stop looking at others and wondering how they do not want more? It is not jealous, it is a misunderstanding. In my mind it is hard to understand how people can be satisfied settling for what their life is...not striving to do more. Do not all people have that hunger, that thirst, that need for more?

The world seems full of possibilities. Continually forcing a list into my head of things I need to see, do, become. Is the list too large? Is it possible to be anything like are parents once told us? Do we at some point have to settle and stop searching? How can people at my age feel like it is time to already give up and assume that is all there is? If only I knew how to shut my mind off and settle for just being; yet I do not think that would make me happy. Dreaming of possibilities and the future makes each day exciting. I want to leave an impact on the world.

"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. So, love the people who treat you right and forget about the ones who don't. And believe that everything happens for a reason...if you get a chance-take it; if it changes your life-let it. Nobody said that it would be easy...They just promised it would be worth it."

It is Offical

Today is the day. It all starts now. It has simply been the four administration staff at camp. Of course we have been busy all day everyday. Nevertheless, it has been a slight alternate reality. It was as if the four of us were stranded on a deserted island. Preparing for our "children" to arrive. Ready or not they start arriving today. There is no turning back and it is time to fake it until we make it.

I feel the anxiety inside intertwined with excitement. It is like the first day of school when you are a child. New people. New dynamics. Unsure of what will happen. Will you succeed? Will you fall on your face? Will you have the same friends? Will everyone work well together? Is it all going to fit in the vision we have been creating in our minds for the past year?

There is now a whole other aspect to this. Not being just a staff member there are so many more concerns and finite details. Things that you would never expect to encounter.  Things you never imagine to be handling. Those add a new element of concern and wonder. Today is as if the first piece of the puzzle is being set on the board after months of sorting pieces. Each day from here is where we put all the pieces together.

Ready or not hear we go. Summer 2012 is just beginning.

Feet Back On the Ground

Radio blasted. Miles driven. Pull into home. At least the thing that feels most like home anymore. The only consistent place in the past few years. There is a sense of stability, familiarity, security, and most of all reassurance. Something in life that seems together. Something that does not make you feel powerless in the world. That is the feelings that cross my mind as I enter the gates. I leave the rest of the world behind. Try and return to the person I was when I was here.

If I can just focus on this maybe everything spiraling out of control will somehow fall into place. Get just one thing right and I will feel like who I am supposed to be. Something I know I will not fail at. Something to bring me back to reality. If only it was really true things could remain the same. Friends change, feelings change, dynamics change. This all leaves a question in the mind. Will that affect your success? Will you be able to control the emotions? Can you push certain questions to back to your mind? Can you forget all the outside world problems? Will it all really come together? Are you any better off? Can you turn off your mind just a minute? How do you accept the differences and embrace the goodness coming out of it? Just breath. Let the anxieties cease. People put their faith into you for a reason everything else does not really matter. Those thoughts are not the reasons for being here or have anything to do with the situations at hand.

One step at a time. Realize your feet are back on the ground. They may have hit it running but they can touch and feel it. This is one place you do know what you are doing. This is one place you can keep it together. One place free to be whoever you want to be. Enjoy it while it lasts. Prove to yourself you still can be you. Blast the radio. Drive the miles. Come home. Remember this is your family. They make you smile, laugh, cry, scream, jump, and work you harder than anything you have ever experienced. That is what it is all about. Turn the mind off and get to work.

Realization

The last box was loaded into the truck. One look around and the place was as empty as it started nine months ago. Yet there was far from the same feelings as the door swung shut and locked behind me. What a whirlwind of emotions it has been. How can it be a year already? Why is life passing by so quickly? 

There was anticipation, excitement, and a stomach full of knots as I picked up the keys to my first real apartment. It was all mine. It was my home in a brand new city. I could not stop grinning as I unlocked the door and awaited my palace. My mouth instantly dropped as the door swung open. What was this dump I was spending an absorbent amount of money on? This was not going to work. Tears flirted around my eyes. I was utterly ashamed of the tiny, dinky, old apartment I was going to be residing in. How would any one ever enjoy my place? How could I show my family my success if I lived in a gross apartment? 

The boxes arrived. Ikea became my new best friend. The drab walls filled with pictures. The furniture fit quaintly into the room. Suddenly before my eyes the apartment had a look. It no longer was horrid. It was livable to say the least. As time progressed that feeling of livable became love. It was my home and I was proud of it. Even when the windows break; the toilet runs incessantly; there is an uneven stream of hot and cold water in the shower; and a pet mouse they were my problems in my home. The quarks that make the place unique. 

As the curtains came down and the boxes filled something felt incomplete. Looking around the empty room was sad. It was not that the apartment appeared grotesque like my first encounter.  I was giving away my home. I was giving away the perfect place. A place I found to be beautiful. A place that was my safe haven in a confusing city.  It brings realization that time passes too quickly. 

Am I the same girl that entered the "big city?" What direction will I head now? Is it already time for a new adventure? Everyone says that the girl that entered the city nine months ago is not the same person leaving. It is hard to say. If anything the world only seems more confusing. Less guided. Less focused. It opened my mind to a world of possibilities. The possibilities are overwhelming.  Yet I learned through all the missteps this past year it truly does turn itself into the best situation. 

Instead of the strict life plan I created many years ago I have begun to bushwhack a new path. It is beyond terrifying. Yet it is apparent the strict road I created no longer fits. I cannot depend on a strict plan. There must be flexibility, thrill, excitement, and an open mind. Only with that realization will I be guided into whatever my life is meant to be. I must cease opportunity because in an instant it could all be taken away. The people I love will love me so long as I am doing what makes me happy not what is I feel is expected. I must be my own person even when I am not sure who that person may be. 

I do not know if I have changed for better or for worse. I do not know what I have changed into or exactly how I have changed. I barely can comprehend that this year has passed. I do know that I am only more excited for the next chapter whatever it may bring.   

Take control

People cannot control me. They cannot make my life choices for me. Every thing that occurs in my life is by my accord. There maybe some things that are destiny however; other people are not the deciding factor on how I handle the situation. No one has that right. No one can take away my freedom of choice or my free will. They do not have the right to make me feel inadequate or inept.

Every person has the ability to be strong, courageous, brave, powerful, intelligent, adventurous, or any other adjective he or she chooses. If others being to control you then you lose this ability. Ultimately losing yourself, breaking your spirit, and becoming someone you cannot even recognize. Waiting for an answer from someone else is not going to solve the problems that you carry on your shoulders. Only you yourself can do this. Do not believe I feel you must carry a burden alone.

There is a vast difference from a support system and a controlling system. One must be able to recognize this. A support system is vital to survival. These are the people you can be vulnerable with. People that will love you no matter the choices you make. They hold your hand when you are at your lowest. They carry you up the mountain when your legs give away. These people are the people that draw you out of darkness. A controlling system draws you into darkness. They create a monster from the person you once were. They cause you to question your abilities, your knowledge, and your own strength. They make you feel powerless. If you lose control it is a slippery slope down hill. The world beings to crumble around you.

Take control. Make your own decisions. Take responsibility for mistakes. Ask for help. Do not let your world spiral out of control. When it spirals is it hard to reign it back in. Step back from the situation and look with fresh eyes. Do not be afraid to breath and accept that you may not be prepared for what lays ahead. It is okay to be scared; however, it is not okay to run from the fear.

Often times we act in opposition of a suggestion of command simple because the person giving the directions has not earned trust or seems to not be looking at you as an individual. This creates rash choices with usually severe consequences. The harder an individual is pushed the worse the retaliation. There is little thought over what actually may be best or where that path will lead. Sadly, it makes all other suggestion go unheard. This is human instinct. The essence of reverse psychology. People feel if their freedom is being taken then they must fight with all their heart to keep that said freedom. This has benefits and drawbacks.

By standing and fighting for your rights you are not allowing yourself to be controlled. You are not allowing someone to break you. However, you may not be doing what is ultimately the correct choice for you. It may not be what you feel is best. Furthermore, it may only cause more unwanted stress. This is the moment to step back from the situation and look at what your feelings tell you. That is how you truly take control.

Do not feel that by succumbing to the suggestion is admitting defeat. You must come to terms with an idea on your own. It must be something you know is the right thing to do. Moreover, if you mind says the suggestion is the right thing to do; do not purposely fight it because it was an unwanted suggestion.

Once you have made your own decision, once you have stopped waiting for others to decide, once you have come to terms with the outcome you want, then there is a release inside. It is as if the pressure in a tire is slowing being let out. There is an ability to breath. There is return of your power, your strength, and your focus. The pieces fit together and life seems as normal as a life can be. Sometimes it is hard to stay in control. Sometimes it is hard to admit defeat. Life is not in control you are, therefore take it.

Dazed and Confused

The story of a life. There are always ups and downs. Nevertheless it always feels like when it rains it pours. This downpour however last for days on end. There seems to be no release. How is it so many things can occur at once. Does luck exist? If not how to do you explain good and bad things that occur randomly and unexpectedly? Is there always an uphill climb? Do we thrive on drama and problems? Would life be dull without stress?

Holding it all together

You just keep picking things up and holding on to them. Your arms being to hold a large load and little pieces being to drop unnoticed. Your arms are stretched so far you can feel the pull between your shoulder blades. Then the seams burst and it all comes tumbling to the floor. There is a larger mess than what began. This is what always seems to happen.

A smile remains on your face. Constantly pretending it is all together while secretly feeling like you are drowning. One day you can no longer can contain yourself. You lose it and there is no turning back. The bottle has exploded and the aftermath is all that remains. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why is it so hard for mankind to simply ask for help? Why do we put on a viscid to all?

I know I think if I pretend that is all okay to people it helps me keep the ideal that it will all be okay. That eternal optimism I try to grasp so desperately. Believing if I lose control for just a second then I am succumbing to defeat.  That being vulnerable is weak, furthermore, that I should be able to bear any burden. Why should I not be able to? Have I not dealt with much greater sorrows in life? Often I feel that crumbling over petty things is beneath me. That I have experienced too many other things in life to let the little things keep me down. Thus I let the situations build. Pretending the stress is in control. Pretending I can handle it all. That is until the weight is too heavy, the anxiety overwhelming and I break.

However, I break still trying to grasp for control. Trying to not let others observe this moment. Ashamed when they see the smile falter from my face. Attempting to turn attention elsewhere. Why is it that it is difficult to ask for help? Why is it difficult to show stress and anxiety? In reality that simple hug, piece of advice, helping hand, acknowledgement it is a lot makes it so much easier. That release of the eternal emotions is revitalizing. It it like slowly releasing the air from a ballon that was too full. It finally feels like I will not burst. Yet I still remain the same. I still do the same thing perpetually. Occasionally releasing the emotions to a few granted permission, yet feeling embarrassed to make someone listen to me. Why is it easier to put your problems on the back burner and deal with other peoples? Why does it have to be a one sided relationship? Is there a balance?

Do we pretend because if we pretend it will all work out? Is it the automatic light in my head that says everything happens for a reason and works the way it is supposed to be? Does this just keep me going? When did I become such a "yes man" that I could never say no, never take time for myself, never prioritize my needs? Where is the line?

1.2.3 breath and it will work out. It is okay to lose it every once in a while. Bottling it inside only creates more anxiety.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the thing I can; and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardships as a pathway to peace..."

That seems to play in my head a lot these days. It is true for anyone. Sometimes we just have to have a little patience and realization. Things could be much worse than they are. Someone else is having a worse time than I am. Furthermore, every action in life makes us a little stronger and guide us to our life path.

It was over before it began

Look back to a year ago. What were you doing? Does it seem that it could have already been a year? Have you accomplished your goals? Are you doing what you want? Have you become a better person? What's missing? Are there regrets? Have you learned anything?

Every minute passes by so quickly. Shocking that a year can end before it felt like it really started. Planning and prepping for the future over takes time. Money spent and lost. Nothing really changes when everything appears to change. In reality everything is always the same. How can we progress when our minds do not progress.

The quickest year went by. The world was shaken but  I came walking out dazed and confused. What have I been doing? How is it over? What should be next? What should I be doing? Where am I going? Why does it feel incomplete? How did I miss my opportunity before I knew it was there?

Running Out of Time

Chaos, drama, stress, pressure these seem to be where I thrive. At least to the outside world people would assume it is where I automatically go. In honesty it seems to be the only way I function. Nevertheless, it is not the place I enjoy. The constant anxiety. The feeling that in an instant every strategically placed card could fall destroying the dramatically designed card house I created. I hate the fear. I hate the tightness in my chest. How do I always end up in this position. Why do I fail to learn from previous mistakes? How do I stop the cycle?

It feels impossible to complete everything that needs to be done; however, still can not finish everything I started. No one can fix the situation. No one can be here to finish the projects. Alone in a world full of people. Knowing all care but knowing it is time to accept responsibility. Realization  time passes, we age,there is not floating by. Do not just pretend to be the person you are, accept it, embrace it, and work with it.

Tug of War

It was as if I stepped back into time. Picking up where it left off. For just a few short days it was as if in the past year my whole world had not changed. It as reassuring to know that friendships can outlast distance and that even as time passes the dynamics do not. Nevertheless, there was an innate feeling of sadness, nostalgia, confusion.

It seemed that the feeling of homesickness had long dissipated. Contentment of life and knowledge of the right decision. Then in a moment you can return to missing everything that had been before.  All of us had been prepared to move on. Strong desire to try something new.  A year later and it seems as if it would be easier to return to before. Missing the people that have been there nonstop for years. Suddenly the need for their personal connection is all that enters the mind. It was truly as if time was frozen for a weekend.

Returning to reality was difficult. It has been before as your transition from school life to home life to summer life. This difficulty is usually due to extended periods of time. This simple 72 hours journey left me muddled and anxious. Dreading the looming responsibility. Knowledge that all that awaited was responsibility and to-do lists. The need for time to pass quickly.

These past few months have flown by. Blinking eyes and it was time to progress to something new. Now I am torn. I am anticipating the return of one of my "homes" but the need to put the breaks on to finish everything.  Anxiety understands it all seems to have gotten away from me.  Without realizing it I have fallen extremely behind. Going from consistency to mess. Organization to clutter. Structure to Chaos.

The internal tug of war of where to belong only continues. The love for new adventures but the urge to have those you care for close by. Feelings that both places are slightly fractured and incomplete. Will there be a time that you have it all? That life is not out of balance? How is it that no matter where you are something is consuming you?

Enjoy the moment or expect the unexpected?

The light at the dark tunnel is reached. The sun beams down and days seem perfect. It is as if every choice made leads us to moments just as this. Happiness flows through the body and brings nothing but smiles. Every problem dissipates for the instant and the moment only matters. One instant moment can last a lifetime. It has the ability to create an obsession. There becomes an innate need to cling to the moment; cherish the feelings that are released. If you look back all that you can do is grin to the private moment you are having. A moment only you can completely understand. This feeling is attainable. It gives the essence that without it you are incomplete. That every moment before was leading to this memory.

Do you take the opportunity to embrace these sensations? Can you overcome the anxiety that the perfect instant could be fleeting? Do you analyze all the short comings the moment has? Do you question that the challenges will return? That the problems still exists even if temporarily forgotten. That although it appears like perfection there is still holes and fractures. That there is missing components. That the true achievement is not there. That nothing is truly perfect. Does the eternal optimism within is become out weighted by natural pessimism? Can you balance the knowledge you are still searching for more while enjoying the little moments? Do you wish for previous perfect moments that may never return? Will you always miss the little moments?

How do you enjoy the perfect moments? How do you move past the previous perfect moments? Do you always question if you will remain this happy or how happy you were before? How do you embrace your past, live in the present, and look to the future? Do you lose yourself somewhere along the lines?

These questions flood the mind. Constant speeds. Perpetually racing in the mind. Trying to love the perfect moments, cling to old memories, and look forward to what is yet to come. It seems to be a constant battle. When the sun beams in after a dark tunnel there is the sensation that even if the moments are fleeting the instant is worth everything. It gives the idea to cease every chance, every instant, every emotion. If you do not you will always wonder what could have been. Find a way to live in the moment. Do not dwell on the what if or the what could have/should have been. It will not help you find happiness.

Lost with no direction and it is okay

One step at a time we move forward. Constant quick pace. Never allowing for time to stop and think. It is okay. It is all I have ever known and rarely willing to alter. If there is a lapse in time it seems as if the earth will crumble beneath me. If I just keep moving everything will stay the same. In reality if you look behind you and look ahead nothing is the same nor will it ever be.

Every decision we make slightly changes the direction life is heading. The more quick steps taken the more change made in a short period of time. At first look change was terrifying. Now it seems to be an addiction. A constant craving. As if a consistency would mean lethargy. This addiction however does not come without consequence.  There is a feeling of instability and if I create something stable it is pointless because it will have to come to an end. The knowledge that change causes some good things have a finish line creates hesitation. Do I sit and enjoy them while they last or not even bother because I have to reach that finish line eventually? I have tried both and neither seem completely satisfying. Starting something with a defined endpoint can be difficult when the end arrives and the feeling that there is an unfinished story. However the experience of never experiencing it is full of regret. A constant wonder of what if remains in the mind. Furthermore, if it is not experienced then how do you live in the present? How do you enjoy the current life adventures? Is there balance to a life at full speed ahead? Is it too selfish of a life? Will down the road it leave you alone?

For a person that feared change as a child, who in fact panicked with the smallest alteration in a tradition, seems to have changed in certain aspects making myself almost unrecognizable. Now this is not in morals, beliefs, or the understanding of right or wrong by any means. This does mean in who I expected to become. If asked as child what I would be doing what my life currently this would have been the response: Attending medical school; getting married; preparing for a family; settling in Harrisonville; and still seeing all my high school friends every weekend. Furthermore never would I have: joined a sorority; moved away from my small town with no intention of returning to live; be considering not going to medical school; travel to a foreign country alone; work at camps for five years; be more interested in traveling the world, saving lives, and having new experiences than starting a family and growing up; and ultimately not having a life plan only dreams. It truly is the first time I have not been so focused on my goals that it consumes me.

My entire life was consumed with attending medical school. I truly believed it was the only thing I wanted. Also if that if I did not achieve this goal I would be a disappointment to those that loved me and wanted me to achieve my goal. When it was time to achieve this goal suddenly it did not seem like the right fit. As if I had been on a path that I never considered to be the wrong path. Never making a back up plan. This was difficult. What was I going to do? Was I failure? Was I simply too afraid to try and achieve the goal? A year later from this realization and I now know the truth. It is okay to change your mind. To create new dreams. To not be who you told everyone you were going to be if the new direction makes you happier. The ones who love you will always love you. Most importantly just because it was your dream since you were three does not mean that when you have developed into the person you are that the same dream fits.

Ultimately embracing this understanding has made me into a better person even if it is confusing. I am 23 years old and it is okay I do not know where I am heading. Some people know what they want and that is great. However, I still have time. If I attend medical school that is fine but for now it is not for me. Furthermore, even though it seems many of my friends have marriage on their mind it is okay it is not my priority. I do not have to be what is expected of me but rather who I want to be. That is the person people want to be friends with. Whoever I am is who they will love.

Therefore, I do not have a goal simply guidelines:
1) Make a difference in the world (no it does not have to be recognizable to everyone but to an individual is fine)
2) Try to help someone everyday
3) Try anything once
4) Stand by my morals and do not let others make me question them
5) Always look to the bright side of the situation. Just because something is challenging does not mean it will beat me.


I have a to do list in life. Currently they can not all be done at once. I do not have the ability to do them all at once. I may question the decisions I make; however I need to know if I do not do what I feel is right I will always wonder. Everything happens for a reason and helps guide me to who I will be. Stop wondering where I am going and simply be who I feel is like the person I need to be. I can be lost with out direction because there will always be a light to follow. Change can be good and important.

Blink of an Eye

Everything changes, everything progresses. One moment you are looking forward to the future the next missing the past. They say the grass is greener on the other side but yet no one is ever satisfied with that side. It is innate feeling that there is always something better. Sometimes it feels as if your feet are burrowed in the sand and there is no movement in either direction. Others seem to progress but you seem stuck. Forced to move forward but unprepared.

The luck never comes at the right moments. One thing piling on top of the other. One mess after another. Squinting hard can show a slight glimmer of excitement but there are all the mountains to climb to get there. Would it not be easier just to have the answers an know what to look for? What to hope for? What to focus on? Where the disappointment will appear and what happens afterwards? What people expect? How people will act? What people are thinking but not saying? Would this not make everything have a clear answer, a crystal understanding, better dynamics?

People seem to feel being honest because it may make the situation uncomfortable or hurt another person's feelings. Nevertheless, in the end it is far worse to just let the problem fester. One party makes assumptions and the other bottles thoughts. This only leads to complications. A straight forward blunt answer may seem hurtful but it does not leave the scar. I know personally I tend to struggle with this thought, yet when others do it to me it frustrates me to no end. Don't play games be honest. It is the only way to achieve what you want, know the other person's thoughts, and to pick up the pieces and start over. Cracks are almost worse than breaks because cracks cause crumbles that cannot be fixed. Why does society imply the importance is the acceptance of others? This becomes primary focus and no one acts themselves.

Find what makes you happy. Be who makes you happy. Figure out how to let go of the thoughts weighing down in your mind. Do not avoid. Face the problems and come out on the other side as a stronger individual.

"Learn from yesterday. Live for today. Hope for tomorrow"--Albert Einstein

Two Steps Forward One Step Back

Well at least it seems life has quickly progressed from a stand-still to movement. Although just as things come together others seem to fall apart. Always the way it seems to work. It keeps things interesting, stressful, exciting, and unending. Sadly, however, it can make a bad day worse. You just have to keep pushing to make it happen. Even if you take two steps forward and one step back it is slight progress.

The list of things seems to grow at an unending rate and the problems constantly tripping. Just find one thing to smile about and it makes the rest go away. This has been a roller coaster of a week with extreme highs and lows and very little in between. The focus on what is yet to come. It makes everything else seem less of a burden. The knowledge that people are only a phone call away makes it better. Even though they can not fix the problems it still makes it better.

Who knew the adult world could be so expensive. This week alone the expenses made me want to cry:
New Car Window: $383
Hospital Bills from ear Infection (they apparently did not get processed earlier like I thought): $1010
Vaccinations (only the start): $485

Ironically $1500 of this actually is not going to go through because my wallet disappeared along with all my credit cards, social security card, driver's license, and red cross certifications. So when all of those go through and the card will be declined thinking I am not paying the bills. This all was going on credit cards with the realization there went everything I had saved. How does it work this way? This doesn't even touch the other costs coming up and I already have. Is there any way to get ahead? How do can you make it all work? Some days the hours of work seem to be pointless. And the hopes of everything else seem nearly impossible? Will I be able to make it all work? Will I get to do my dream and goal.

As all this races through the mind other issues arise. There is studying and taking midterms which finally were completed today. Then the matter of the lost wallet. With this I lost everything. The American Red Cross cannot find me anywhere in there system; paperwork and fees for new driver's license and social security card; and canceling the credit cards. The irony I am more disappointed I had a free movie ticket and my rewards cards are all missing. Those of course cannot be replaced and that is what is disappointing about them.

It felt as it was all coming together then reality occurred it seems all so unrealistic. Which path do you take? Do you agree to accept the challenges and have the faith it will all work out? Do you decide it is not practical and go in another direction? I am just going to hold on to the belief it will all work out because no matter the crazy adventures and situations I become involved in they seem to happen for a reason and work out.

Spinning Circles

You move and move at an unprecedented speed. People around you stand in awe wondering how it is possible. Little do they realize although it appears there is a plethora of activity, little time, little sleep, and a constant to do list there is also little progression. It is as if everything is a blur that causes people believe it is all together.

One false step in the wrong direction and the scale is far from balanced. Everything comes crumbling over. Climbing slightly higher hoping the problems disappear over-time. Never really fixes all the issues. A face appearing to have it all together while feeling as if in a second it all could crumble. Often times it as if I am a dog chasing its tail and never successfully catching it. How do you not only appear to have it all together and actually have it all together? Is there ever a peaceful moment without anxiety over the next thing coming? A moment to catch your breath? A second where there is not something gnawing at your mind? Would I know how to be happy if there was not these continual feelings?

Frozen In Time

A stand still. Everything put on pause. There is no going back and really no moving forward. It might be the moments when everything things feels the uneasiest. The settling into a decision and waiting for an outcome. Unsure if your instincts have led you astray while knowing it will all turn out.

Being a naturally optimistic  worrisome person sometimes can be challenging. It is as if there is a constant internal battle within my mind. The optimistic viewpoints knows that everything will turn out. No matter the problems I face the outcome always betters me and is exactly what I need. Nevertheless, the worrisome anxious other half questions every decision. My only saving grace is my stubbornness that refuses to allow me change my mind once I make the decision.

Every decision from the giant ones to the little ones seem to take bountiful initial thought, a sudden shove, and a random decision. If given ample time I will never make the choice. I need a deadline. The final choice will never be made until the moment of the deadline. It is literally how my entire life seems to work. At a restaurant I never know what meal I will order until the words leave my mouth to the waiter, I choose BU on the day the tuition deposit was required, only made the final decision about moving out of my apartment when the landlord called asking my choice, picked out what car to buy as the dealership was closing, and decided to take my car to Boston two weeks before I moved. I am fairly certain it is the only way I progress and change. If left to my own devices I would be in a constant frozen state.

This randomness however, can make my mind turn circles and my stomach have butterflies if left in the "frozen state" for extended periods of time. Once I have made a decision two things must occur: First I must be able to make all the preparations I am able to at that time period. I need to leave things in a settled state of mind and no loose ends can occur. The second is to put the situation out of sight and out of mind until time of action must occur. If these two steps can not occur I leave in a random state of mind that leaves me feeling unsettled and questioning my decisions. I cannot be given great time to think over a situation or I regret my choices (even if I can not yet see the outcome or change the situation).

The frozen state is a difficult place. There is a knowledge that I must remain calm and understand things take time. Whatever is supposed to occur will be the best results. However, I feel an urgency to make plans and settle into a new routine. There is a need to be able to plan to be excited for something. The light at the end of the tunnel seems to rapidly be approaching but I need brakes because I can not see what happens when the end is reached. The optimism seems to make constant attempts to calm the worry.  How has everything passed by so quickly?

At the finish line or just the starting lineup?

Seasons change, time passes and everything seems to come full circle. Or is that how it really works? Anticipation for what is to come, countdowns to finishing upcoming events, enjoyment of vacation. All emotions felt as the spring approaches and the windows are flung up for the fresh air. Yet it brings a strong sensation of anxiety as knowledge of change is once again about to come.

Spring is this exciting time. It is were the warmth comes, new flowers, ample time outdoors, the ending of semesters, and the quick approach of summer (my favorite time of year). However with this it no longer just the enjoyment of summer vacation. It is the planning of moving, the packing, settling accounts, making travel arrangements; ultimately uprooting life once again. In the past 5 years that seems to be what spring truly represents. Sadly, taking away from the enjoyment of a simple spring day.

It started with just planning and arranging dorm move out, summer jobs, picking classes for the following fall, finding roommates, and making new living arrangements. Then it progressed to storage units, moving trucks, apartment hunting, travel plans, graduate school choices, finals, camp, and graduation. Now it is packing up an apartment that really just was finished unpacking, planning camp, figuring out new living situations, storage, dates, quitting jobs, selling cars, writing papers, meetings, financial aid, and ultimately not just planning for a summer but so much more. Nevertheless, the planning is at a constant standstill of uncertainty.  Without knowledge of when I will be back, what I need, where I am going I can not move forward with the planning.

Instead preparation knots fill my stomach and the only thing of concentration is the problem. Do I need an apartment for September, January, or May? When should I start packing? When am I leaving? Will I be back in the fall? Do I need to start arranging for Visas, booking flights, saving that money? When will I be home? What will I do with everything I own? What can I afford? How will this work for school? What do I need to do to arrange everything? What if it all falls through? Will I still have a job? Should I be apartment hunting? Should I have renewed my lease?

Change use to the thing I feared most. Now it is what I find exciting. It is what I look forward to, anticipate, need to revitalize when everything else is burning me out. However, with big change I need time, planning, coping. I need to know that there is a plan even if that plan gets messed up. Without the ability to plan and arrange it seems stressful, terrifying and confusing.  I look into the future and I no longer know what I see. That scares me. The girl with all the plans does not have any more. What does this mean?

My head has ideas, dreams, goals, wants, and needs. But there is not a clear path anymore and it seems difficult to figure out which one to take as they all lead to different outcomes and possibilities. So I wait. I stand at the line unsure what it will bring, where it will go, what it will do. It is actually invigorating to only have possibilities and not black and white solutions.

Restlessness

Antsy, pacing, dizzy, anxious, mesmerized, fidgety, lackadaisical, nervous, lazy, and yet the mind never turning off. There is feeling of unease and peace simultaneously. How does this occur? How can you feel so many things in one week, day, hour, or more so in a second? Far from extreme emotions just the constant feeling of restlessness. The question is why so restless?

Has it become that the constant change, challenge, and pace makes anything of consistency dull? Is it the inability to take time to truly settle? The busy monotonous days filled with the constant concentration on work, money, bills, and savings finally straining the mind? Is it the excitement for the future? A culmination of everything? Is this the feeling of adulthood or just the current circumstance?

For as long as I can remember I have known what I was going to major in college, do for a living, when to marry, have children, who to be when I grew up. With every passing day I feel more resistance to this plan. More need to explore, travel, and dream. Where is the balance? How do you dream and live in the present. Enjoy being "young, and wild, and free" while earning a living an saving for the future? Is there always going to be a feeling of restlessness? Is it a current situation or will I always grow bored of the current situation. My short attention span seems to continually make me bored.

Rarely do I find something that continually challenges me, excites me, and most of all is far from monotonous. When it is found it is like an addiction to hold on. Sacrificing to keep that life, searching for continuation, loving every second of it, utilizing it as a beacon of hope when everything else seems unending. Will that need always be there? When will it feel like I am doing something fulfilling with me life?

Win Some Lose Some In the End it doesn't matter

Do you ever look back? Look at all the time that has passed before you and wonder where has time gone?  How can it be that so many things have occurred and become distant memories? Stand it complete shock at how people were correct in saying that in a blink of an eye something will be over?

This coming year will be 16 years since my father passed away; 10 since my grandmother; 9 since my grandfather; my 5 year high school reunion will be occurring; my 5th summer on staff at a Girl Scout Camp; my godson will be turning 10; and my mother retiring from work . September 11 will be 11 years ago; the 6th presidential election of my lifetime will be held; and technology has progressed at a magnitude unimaginable. What have I been doing? What have I achieved? Who have I become? Is it what I wanted to be doing?

If you had asked me 16 years ago or even 10 years ago what my life would be like. I far would have expected it to be this. I would never have moved 1200 miles from home; be earning a Masters in something at the time I had never heard of; considering moving to Africa for 6 months; working 65 hours a week; lifeguarding; nannying; working as a Waterfront Director; living in a Studio Apartment; own my own car; and be completely unsure of where life will be taking me next.

I am a planner; a workaholic; slightly obsessive compulsive person with a fear of change. That being said I seem to always be seeking change. As anyone would agree I cannot still or stand still neither can my dreams and goals. At any given moment a new idea or dream pops into my head. A challenge to take, an obsession to reach. Nothing is ever to big or to small to do. The list seems to be eternally growing. The present becomes the means to the end of the goal. Whatever I am currently doing is for whatever my next big thing is. Saving, working, planning. Then the goal is reached and the new one pushes forward. Never am I taking the time to truly enjoy the achievement or the amazement of what has occurred. It is as if the pinballs in my head cannot stop long enough to just breath.

No one could ask me where I will be in 10 years. I used to answer that in a heartbeat and no I have no clue. There are too many things to do and see. Will I run out of time before I can achieve it all? When do I start prioritizing? When do I start cutting things off the list of other things? Am I too busy planning for the future careers, travel, goals to start planning for settling down, relationships, children? It seems at every turn my friends are filled with thoughts of  engagement, settling down, buying homes, having children. Those once were what I expected to be thinking about at 23. Now it seems the furtherest thing on my mind. A relationship longer than 3 months is impossible. Even when things are good work and preparation for the future get in the way.  Furthermore, I am unwilling to sacrifice for the relationship. Unwilling to put in the time for long-distance, long-term, commitment. Is it that it isn't the right person or it just is something I have put on the back burner? Children seem even more long-term. Yet the internal clock makes me realize at some point I am going to have to stop and look at those as priorities?

Medical school or PhD?  Which do I want. When will I take time for them? The goal is to reach on by the age of 30; but can I fit it in with all my other plans? Do I want to work overseas or in the nation?  Do I want to work for a NGO or the government? Do I stay in Boston? Move to NYC, Washington DC, or the West Coast? All seem thrilling, exciting, and possible.  The older I get the more possibilities I see. It is as if a whole new world has been unlocked. As if I lived in a small bubble and the more I grow the larger the bubble becomes. It makes me want to see and do everything. When do those goals however make the present no fun? When do I decide to live in the present and enjoy these times? I am young and free but never having time? Where is the shut off valve? How do you achieve it all? How do you know what you should or shouldn't be doing?

Is it simply the way it is examined?

Ask one friend and they will say I have the best luck. I always get what I wish for and win the some great  prizes. Ask another friend and they will tell you the worst things happen. That if something could go wrong it would happen to me. Ask me? Everything has to happen for a reason and will work itself out.

The question then is, is it luck, karma, or just the way one views the world? Is the person that thinks I am the luckiest person just a "Glass Always Full Person" and the other friend the opposite? I am not sure that is the case. I do believe however it is a blind faith that there is good in anything that happens. The one thing they all agree on is that my life could easily be a comedy because it just is not believable thing situations I find myself in. I can honestly say even on the worst days I have to laugh at the predicament.

Let's just go through a brief list: How many people can say that the are betting pools about when in a summer you will get stung by a Bee? Most people would never expect to get stung in particular when you have an allergy. Yet, it is far higher probability that I will be stung than I will not. How many people can get a staph infection on the leg one summer and the next summer break an ankle? How many people can have a window broken and mirror stolen at a job interview in a wealthy neighborhood? How many people can win tickets to a private concert or a nook at a book reading you never intended to attend? Or in strange predicaments in relationships that can not be explained? Have no prospects of a job and all the sudden have 3 jobs? This is just somethings more recent but it is something that has perpetually occurred throughout my life. One minute I could win a coloring contest, 2 cakes at cake walk, a raffle, and a fish and then the next there could be illness and death in the family. It is like a bipolar life without the bipolar mental state. The easy response to this is my life is never dull.

It just can often be puzzling. How does this happen? How does one person have crazy extremes and others nothing? Never winning or losing? Never experiencing extreme happiness or sadness? What leads us to the life we live? It cannot just be the choices we make because I often can barely make a decision; unless it is an emergency. Is it just life picking someone to have a good laugh at? It is not bothersome, just slightly confusing. I would not have my life any other way than it is; however, it is far from explainable.

Hierarchy of Authority

Is it that we have outgrown the level of authority we are given due to previous positions or is it genuinely that the organization is disorganized so little respect is commanded? How is it at to different places the organization and abilities of the manager are beyond frustrating? How is it that a place can drive you to insanity? Is this how the adult world truly is, working 65 hours and having little to show for it?

I am not asking for much. In fact I feel I am a pretty easy going employee. What I do ask is consistency, organization, and slight respect. Maybe I have simply had "easy" jobs until this point in life; however, I have never seen places with such chaos as the past 2 fitness centers I have chosen to work for. Leaving one for another feeling that it had a better hierarchy system and therefore, would create better organization. Here is the most recent instant of several in the past 2 months of employment at my most recent job. On Monday my boss sent me 3 separate emails asking me to extend hours this week due to a last minute need. I agreed. Yesterday she called me asking all sorts of questions giving me different times and scenarios for the month and this weekend. She promised she would email me the schedule yesterday so I would know my shifts for the month and this weekend. I never received an email therefore I called and asked to let me know at least what time I am working tomorrow. Her response "I will send it to you tomorrow today is my day off and I don't have access to it."

Now yes I know I am working tomorrow; however, I do not know what time. The only way I can balance my life is being able articulate a schedule and plan to fit all my daily needs. If I do not know what time I am working because she has told me 4 different times it makes it difficult to plan for the day. Furthermore, unable to  plan for the weekend not knowing if I am working doubles on Saturday and Sunday and what times because she was changing them. Is it ridiculous to be annoyed by this? Even though I am new is it unfair to bothered by being expected to drop everything and never to be able to make plans because it is unclear what hours I am available?  The funny thing is I enjoy the job, I enjoy the fitness center, I enjoy working; I do not enjoy disorganization, the disrespect for the hierarchy, the disrespect for the required pool rules.

The question that this all brings me to is it that this bothers me because I have experience in that position and no longer have the respect to be the low man on the totem pole; or is there a legitimate problem? How is that in Missouri I loved working at a fitness center and both fitness centers here have driven me crazy. What is the connection? Have I outgrown the job and more? Am I willing to give up the money because of frustration?

Having it all

How to people live the have it all lifestyle? I feel like you always have to give up something for something else. That the pieces never fit together at the same time. How is there a balance? How do you find the balance? When does that happen? It seems like everything comes together but then something has to be thrown out and you never really get it back. People say you have to sacrifice and the someday you get everything you want. Is that how it works or do you always wonder what if?

Sometimes it seems that something seems perfect at the time then it has to stop and there is a small hope it will somehow continue or pick up where you left off. However, the rest of you knows that isn't the case it you sit being nostalgic. Granted the possibility of the unknown is exciting. The excitement of something new. Again the timing seems wrong. What is the point? Is it worth it for a short time? Do we just over think everything?  There is your education, work, social life, and love life. How is there enough hours in a day for it all? I definitely haven't figured it out.  Even on times staying up 24 hours doesn't fit it all together. When is it better to just live in the moment? It is now easy to understand why people fight over money. These days money is all that seems to cross my mind and how to save and pay bills. It doesn't seem to add up. Trying to add anymore to that is a struggle. Then there is a strange guilt if money is spent. When did I become an adult?

All this happens and you wonder are you missing out on other parts? Are you shutting yourself off from new and old possibilities? Secretly hoping down the road you find your way back to what you had but knowing that ship has sailed. Wondering if you should be trying now for something else but assuming there is no point because in a few months you will be on to something new and complications is not worth the trouble. You feel happy and satisfied with what you do; however, looking around at what others have makes you curious. How do you have it all?

Break Point

It is funny how quickly a person reaches the point of insanity. It comes on sudden and unexpectantly. To control the sensation is nearly impossible. You can feel it inside your inside your entire body as your blood begins to boil to the surface and the word vomit is on the edge of your lips. If the words are spoken the tears can be felt inside the eyelids waiting for permission to join the roller coaster.

How do you control it? How do you move past it? One wrong step and it will all could crumble. The whole barricade could fall apart and the rash decision could cause you to lose everything.  How is it that no one around can notice? How do they not realize you have reached the breaking point and offer no solution only push more? Even if they pay for services rendered is there not a line that crosses too far and they risk never getting you back from it? Suddenly the moments that made everything seem like you had a family suddenly just feel like employers, employers that have taken it a step too far.

My social behavior class has really helped to focus in on these realizations and understanding for social relationships. It explains the reasoning why we as human beings react to situations they way we do. Sometimes the lines of social and professional become crossed and can lead to misconceptions. It creates complications. How do you recover? All of this is complicated and confusing. They say you learn a lot about people living with them, maybe this is how the role of nanny becomes complicated. It turns  situations from pleasant to miserable. Taking something that seems ordinarily perfect to awful.

How can one family vacation become a nightmare? The count down to returning to normalcy drags on. Will it be normal again though or is the resentment and frustration past the point of recovery? Have all the little no big deal problems reached breaking point? What happens when breaking point occurs? In a house full of nine people there is no moment to regain composure or lose composure. It is stifling, suffocating, and like your skin is burning with no relief.

Then you look outside and see the beauty and amazement of nature. The wonder how something so amazing can exist. If only there was opportunity to explore and enjoy it. A moments rest to acknowledge the wonderment of where I am. All I really need it someone to appreciate what has happened, the understanding they asked more than was was agreed upon. Furthermore, that a twenty three year should be given the option to use her own car and just leave the house for a moment. Given more than just the chance to stand on the ice. Realization that a few extra dollars does not accommodate for such an extension. That this was not a simple task to accommodate for and was trying to be considerate.

An act of faith

Yesterday my grandparents celebrated 60 years of marriage. They were married at 18 and I don't think once have stopped loving eachother. They battled through cancer, heart disease and family death. They triumphed with children, grandchildren, travel, and retirement. It is one of those loves that is magical. The kind most would say was impossible.

How is it that a 60 year marriage is a rarity? Is it a cultural change? Think about it. Back then married at 18 made sense much older and you were going to be an old maid with 20 cats. However, today if 18 year old high school sweethearts get engaged everyone calls them fools. People say you don't know who you are at 18 and can't understand what love is. Yet, it is those young loves that seem to withstand anything. What has our culture done to itself? Does anyone even know what love is anymore? Does anyone really believe in it?

The flip side to the 60 year marriage is that I have also seen the dangerous hurtful love that leaves scars. The kind that leaves you wondering how did these people ever love eachother.  I have seen people try to continually make a love work. Make it fit when the entire world says there is nothing there. Yet I also have been one to  walkaway before giving it a shot. Unwilling to put in the little extra work required. Unwilling to wait for the failure. Why leave it on a bad note? Isn't it better to just have the happy memories? I know this is sick and twisted yet I know I am not the only person that thinks that way. In fact I sadly know many that do this. Some do it without even realizing it.

As I typed this ironically the news began a piece about gigolos and the growing industry. I stared mesmerized at what was being said. Women talking about this was much better than regular dating, no expectations, no continuation, simple date and no need for a call the next day. In fact some women continued by stating it was the perfect relationship. How is that a relationship? How is that what is socially acceptable? Why do we give up before we try? Why do we encourage others to quit when the road gets hard?

Where does one find that 60 year love? How do you know when you have it and should make it work? When is it time to set aside differences and compromise because it is the real deal? How do you set aside the fear of fighting, growing apart, distance, infidelity, a broken love? I wish I could say I had seen more 60 year loves than broken loves but it is far from the truth. I have watched people passionately fight to make relationships work and perpetually be disappointed by that person. In today's culture the 60 year love could be standing in front of someone and I doubt anyone would ever know it. The expectation is a 72 hour marriage versus 60 years.

All this being said 60 years of marriage should be applauded, admired, adored. It is a special thing to find that more should strive to have.  Even if it isn't 60 years they should still strive to find that passion, that drive, that devotion. Be willing to look for it and make the effort to see where the love goes instead of closing yourself off. Or even worse taking yourself out of the game before it really has started. Don't leave yourself wondering what if. I know I am one of the worst at this. Maybe I should take my own advice sometime.

"Love means to commit oneself without guarantee, to give oneself completely in the hope that our love will produce love in the loved person. Love is an act of faith, and whoever is of little faith is also of little love."--Erich Fromm

We all fall down

Bumps, bruises, scrapes, and scars the ultimate journey of life. No person has the same story nor can you get a guide to life book that will answer all the questions. There will be highs and lows and sometimes both in a day. These create our own unique story. It is what we do with it incident that defines who we become. If a person only sees pessimism that is by choice. They choose to see the darkness in the situations rather than the lightness. They chose to dwell on bad and assume there is nothing better. Nevertheless, that is far from true. Very few people never experience trauma in life. It may come in different extents or times or frequent, however, everyone has their own mountains to climb. The self pity and assumption no one else suffers is the true dilemma to those that see only the darkness.

The internal strength every person must find is optimism. It is not always simple to see. It is not always simple to find the goodness in a situation. Furthermore, it may take time to understand why you must suffer through the problem. It is being able to reflect and finding realization that helps make life positive. The positive veiw-point creates a successful life.  Any person can find goodness in their life if they look for it. This may be hard to imagine in some instances. When you find yourself in this struggle look for what keeps you moving forward, hoping, dreaming, loving. Hold on to that thing that gives you strength and never lose focus on that. Remember the low points are only temporary and even the scars left behind create a story. Embrace your story.

The little moments

Ever have the moment when you just want to pull your hair out and scream at the top of your lungs? It seems like everything in that instant makes you feel crazy. Then all of the sudden prospective hits you and the magnitude of the incidents seem minimal. In fact those little moments seem to be everything but horrid upon reflection.

Today for example was a day where I could have strangled the cutest sixteen month old in the world as she screamed at the top of her lungs for perpetually 5 hours straight anytime she didn't get what she wanted. Furthermore, she learned "flying" out of the crib equaled me running into the room giving her attention. After this long day of being a nanny I tried to arrive to class and someone completely frazzled me into thinking I was in the wrong classroom. Thus I wandered the building for 30 minutes simply looking for the right place (when I was in the right place the whole time). After all was said and done I truly thought I was going insane. But knowing the little one just wanted me was precious and convincing myself I was lost after 5 weeks of this class is funny. In the instant I wanted to scream. The truth is it felt frazzled in the moment but looking back it was a wonderful day. How is it that with jaded glasses everything always seems better?

This continues in the thought when talking with my summer employer and the future as well as the past. We talked a lot over this past summer and the insanity of my life at the time. In the moments I felt like I could cry, have nightmares over everything, and in all honesty that I was failing with the position I was given. But through it I learned more about myself in three months than I could ever have learned in any other experience.  In fact, it taught me even in darkness there is light. My boss said that I walked away smile at the end of the summer said a lot. It is funny that is probably true but it was simply because I found distraction for the bad parts and the understanding of so much more. Sure I seemed to have word vomit over all the hospital visits and emergencies and I by far had anger. Nevertheless, as the months fade I really don't know if I would have changed anything. It allowed me to earn my position, trust people, not be so independent, learn to ask for help and understand the magnitude of responsibility I had. If anything I think it made me a better person.  I hope the people that saw me suffer through it are able to realize this about themselves as well. Every instant has a lesson behind it.

It seems at every turn of being twenty-two I was having these moments and sometimes I struggled with finding my natural inner optimism. I hope I do not have more trying years as this. However, I truly feel that now, I know how to embrace the bad with the blind faith that all does turn out the way it is meant to be. Every misguided decision this year lead me to a far more responsible, understanding, and realistic person. Although twenty-three sounds old in my mind I know that I still have much growing up to do but I feel that this past year has taught me a better way to approach growing up and how to balance the act. Sure I will alway run head first into chaos, live every moment booked, and continually be stressed; however, I also now can take a breath, let my hair down, and be whoever I want to be not what is expected.

For years I felt that I was striving to be the perfect person that fit into a nice little box. If I strayed from that particular path I would be a disappointment to those around me. I built this imaginary pressure of expectation, convinced myself if I failed those that loved me would love me less. Through all the mistakes, messes, tears, triumphs, and disappointments of the year I realized it is the exact opposite. If anything is it the imperfections that they love more. That no matter who I am, what I do, where I go I will still always be able to make them happy as long as I am happy. It is like all of the sudden the handcuffs I was burdened with were trick handcuffs.  More than likely I will always strive for a perfection image; however, it is for myself and not others. It is knowing that if I chose medical school, to earn a PhD, travel the world, work for a non-profit, or make a million dollars it is my choice not because that is what I am required. Deep down I probably always knew this but somehow wired it into my head another way. If someone loves you they accepts you for who you are and do not settle for anything else or let someone make you into a person you do not want to be.

"That's how its supposed to be. Livin young and wild and free"--Bruno Mars

Take a Breath

It is funny to think how quickly everyone lets time pass by. How often do you stop and enjoy the moment because the focus is on the future. Saving, planning, preparing, hoping, dreaming. Honestly it seems to be the way the mind is wired, but really is it more just how our culture created us?

Think about it. Growing up you had to do well in elementary school because middle school would be harder, then middle school you were excited for high school. High School was then vital for college and college for your career. It started in kindergarten with the single question "What do you want to be when you grow up." Granted most children will respond of obscure impossible careers. For example I wanted to be a ballerina doctor who owned a restaurant. Yet we are told if we apply ourselves we can achieve whatever our dreams are. For so long I feel all I have thought about is the future. Worrying over what could be. My focus is always looking ahead from two weeks to years. Sometimes I forget to stop and take a breath. Always moving always forward, constant chaos. It is how I survive, the only way I know how to live. In the quiet moments, the calm nothing moments I feel lost.

Yet often I wonder if this is how it is supposed to be. Am I spending my time wishing my life away because I am so busy looking forward. Will everything have passed me by, by the time I arrive at my destination? Will I even notice I have arrived? It seems like yesterday for so many things yet so far away in reality. It is funny how quickly important people, moments, ideas can quickly become distant memories. It is part of "growing up" but the more I "grow up" the less sure I become about everything. I spent so long planning I didn't stop to think if it was not what I wanted and now I seem to spend the whole time trying to make up for that. Everyday my bucket list seems to only grow longer. While time seems to be dwindling away. It does not seem possible to achieve everything and prioritizing it only becomes harder.

The hardest part of it all is to do somethings you truly want you have to walk away from other things that make you incredibly happy and risk the possibility of losing that. This feeling sometimes I feel stops us from taking the risk. The risk of losing it and trying something new can be terrifying and difficult. Believe me I have learned this. Those terrifying moments can make us truly regret our choices but then it seems to settle and make you just as happy as you were before. So take a breath step forward and take the risk. It will pay off. Without the risk you can never move forward and truly experience life.

So even if we are wired to always plan, prepare, hope, dream of the future, it is what allows us to move on, make changes, and adapt. In reality it does help us to enjoy the present. If we have nothing to look forward to then we have no reason to be happy with the present. Thus everything comes full circle so long as there is a balance and you are enjoying every moment of everyday (even if that is focusing on the future)

"Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is to never stop questioning"-Albert Einstein

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far asI could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair.
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Through as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first of another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference
--Robert Frost

This poem was dissected and analyzed in almost every poetry course imagined. Frost meanings and interpretations proclaimed for all to see. But think how applicable it truly is. It feels at every turn "two paths" are given and a decision has to be made. We can sit and ponder what if we had followed the other but alas, there is no ability to change circumstance.

People say you have a few major decisions in life 1) College or no college 2) Who to Marry 3) Career and 4) Buying one's first home. In reality yes those are big decisions but I find that they are far from the only ones that can change a life. In fact it is the little everyday decisions that can have just a large of impact. It is those choices that most people do not blink an eye at that can add up. In the quiet moments alone that clear light shines through and realization of every choice can be seen.

Now I am far from saying reflection leads to regret; rather, confusion and puzzlement.  Think, wonder, question: What if I had gone here and done this? What if I had kissed this person or if I had not loved another? What if I had said yes to this job and no to that one? What if I had not taken that road or answered that call? In each instant one change in the mindless decisions could have changed everything. Some decisions are are harder to comprehend than others. In the moment it seemed thoughtless, practical, exciting; however, upon reflection another decision could have be devastating or maybe better. Thus what leads to our decisions?

Big decisions you may make pro/con lists, discuss with others, take time to really think all the possibilities through. Nevertheless, how does one make rash, immediate decisions?  How do we not allow ourselves to over think the possibilities and miss an opportunity? Why do people trust their gut instinct? Although not every choice made may have been the best choice I far from regret my life decisions. It is amusing; however, how much those choices have stayed with me and alway seem to be in the back of my mind. It sometimes is hard to turn the brain off from wondering: who my friends would be; what I would be doing; who I would be as a person if I had made one different choice. Furthermore, what my future decisions will do to me.

I am a person that hates change but constantly seems to be in the midst of it. Furthermore, slightly bored without the change. Yet, when it is time to make a choice I struggle always questioning always wondering and after making the decision still continuing to wonder. This even happens when thinking of what to order at a restaurant or present to buy. How do we do it as humankind? How do we teach someone to make the instinctive gut choices that in true reality are all that matter because they lead us to the "major decision."

"Two roads diverged in a wood and I,

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference"

It is the essence of being. To truly take a moment and stand out. Be willing to do the unusual or be different from everyone. Leave the security blanket of normalcy behind. Once you are able to do this, the choices, though still difficult and confusing, may leave you with little regret.

Mouse Adventures, Sick Children, and So Little Time

I can't believe it is already Wednesday. Since I arrived back in the city mid January it has been a whirlwind affair. Time seems to pass by quicker than I can realize. At every turn another week is over. I am into the third week of classes and only 3 more months of lectures, a little over 100 days before I start work at Winona, 2 weeks to my birthday, and so many other things jam packed into my calendar.

It is funny everyone says friends come with time. Sadly, I don't have the time to make that many and it doesn't seem to bother me. It feels as if my day is so "long" that at the end of it I want to curl up on the couch and watch some TV.It is interesting to see what a day will bring some days I feel that I have an abundance of down time and others I can hardly blink. I have to be honest though my job is far from demanding. Somedays the baby sleeps little and there is soup to make, bread to bake, floors to mop, and laundry to wash; nevertheless, other days the baby will sleep hours and the house chores will already be completed. It is the inconsistency that make for the weekly challenge. Homework has to always be done before work because it is unknown if I will have allotted time to complete it during the week and to be honest I can't risk my grades after a mediocre previous semester (mediocre for some may not be the same definition to mediocre but I will let you decide your interpretation to it)

To further this my weekends were not a typical person's weekend although I try and pretend they are leaving me only further exhausted when Monday rolls around. Weekends currently involved 5 hours at least of work both Saturday and Sunday which sadly is longer than my shifts on Wednesday if school is not taken into consideration. And like my summer job sleeping in has become a foreign concept that I will never see.  Last "weekend" for example consisted of finishing nannying on Friday at 3:30, going home for an hour and then heading to the YMCA to lifeguard. I then lifeguarded until 10:00 was stuck in Celtics traffic and finally arrived home at 11:30. Upon this I tried to decompress and eat dinner (yes at 11:30 at night don't get me started on how unhealthy I know that is). I then left for work at 8:00 the next morning to teach swim lessons until after 2:00. Finally my weekend could start and what a lovely weekend it was. Strolled around the neighborhood on a bright and semi-warm day and prepared to spend the evening out with my friends. My alarm clock at 8:30 (my "sleep-in"day) did not appreciate my staying up late on Saturday because it was the "weekend" nor did the extraordinarily long day of lessons with uncooperative children. Monday morning only seemed worse.  The next thing I know the middle of the week has come and gone. Where is the time going and am I watching it all pass me by?

This week has been even more hectic because the children and my boss are sick. This means an additional little one to care for everyday who doesn't nap like his sister very well considering he is six. My days have been filled with games of Life and Clue, reading Magic Tree House, and making soup. The little he slept was of course the moments the baby was awake leading to hours of 10 Little Lady Bugs, stories in Dutch I pretend I understand, and baby doll "Popee" walking. Of course these little individual moments are what make my day. The smiles and laughs, the cuddles and hugs, and of course the knowledge that somehow they have become part of my family. It will be sad not seeing them every day. I can only imagine my connection to them after a 100 more days working with them.

On the apartment front I have a mortal enemy....a mouse. Traps were set weeks ago and yet he outsmarts them (I however have been trapped on them 3 times). Every time I get close it darts away never to be seen. On Monday night the little rodent braved my apartment longer than normal and I thought I might actually catch it. (Although being not always the brightest on my feet I was trying to figure out how to catch it and what to do with it while it decided its best option was to run underneath my bed). His sudden dashing into under my bed alarmed me I was certain that was not his entrance and exit to my apartment which mean he was instead hiding from me and I prayed he would leave before I went to bed. I finally braved myself away from the couch and made my way to the kitchen to put my leftover dinner away. Apparently my absence from the main room implied he was able to make a run for it...unaware I was in the middle of his escape route. He dashed into the dining area fast as lightening and heading directly towards my feet. I leapt up letting out out a loud scream. Some how managing to jump six feet in the air horizontally from my kitchen chair to my bed without touching the ground. Of course banging my legs and nearly making my bed collapse from shock. I fear if this varmint is not caught soon he is going to risk crawling into bed with me and that I do not think I would take well. It was recommended I through something on it to smash and kill it. It seems inhumane but even worse that means I then have to remove/touch a dead mouse. Maybe I do need to reconsider my stance on cats.

The week is only half over I can only  imagine what is still to come.