The little moments

Ever have the moment when you just want to pull your hair out and scream at the top of your lungs? It seems like everything in that instant makes you feel crazy. Then all of the sudden prospective hits you and the magnitude of the incidents seem minimal. In fact those little moments seem to be everything but horrid upon reflection.

Today for example was a day where I could have strangled the cutest sixteen month old in the world as she screamed at the top of her lungs for perpetually 5 hours straight anytime she didn't get what she wanted. Furthermore, she learned "flying" out of the crib equaled me running into the room giving her attention. After this long day of being a nanny I tried to arrive to class and someone completely frazzled me into thinking I was in the wrong classroom. Thus I wandered the building for 30 minutes simply looking for the right place (when I was in the right place the whole time). After all was said and done I truly thought I was going insane. But knowing the little one just wanted me was precious and convincing myself I was lost after 5 weeks of this class is funny. In the instant I wanted to scream. The truth is it felt frazzled in the moment but looking back it was a wonderful day. How is it that with jaded glasses everything always seems better?

This continues in the thought when talking with my summer employer and the future as well as the past. We talked a lot over this past summer and the insanity of my life at the time. In the moments I felt like I could cry, have nightmares over everything, and in all honesty that I was failing with the position I was given. But through it I learned more about myself in three months than I could ever have learned in any other experience.  In fact, it taught me even in darkness there is light. My boss said that I walked away smile at the end of the summer said a lot. It is funny that is probably true but it was simply because I found distraction for the bad parts and the understanding of so much more. Sure I seemed to have word vomit over all the hospital visits and emergencies and I by far had anger. Nevertheless, as the months fade I really don't know if I would have changed anything. It allowed me to earn my position, trust people, not be so independent, learn to ask for help and understand the magnitude of responsibility I had. If anything I think it made me a better person.  I hope the people that saw me suffer through it are able to realize this about themselves as well. Every instant has a lesson behind it.

It seems at every turn of being twenty-two I was having these moments and sometimes I struggled with finding my natural inner optimism. I hope I do not have more trying years as this. However, I truly feel that now, I know how to embrace the bad with the blind faith that all does turn out the way it is meant to be. Every misguided decision this year lead me to a far more responsible, understanding, and realistic person. Although twenty-three sounds old in my mind I know that I still have much growing up to do but I feel that this past year has taught me a better way to approach growing up and how to balance the act. Sure I will alway run head first into chaos, live every moment booked, and continually be stressed; however, I also now can take a breath, let my hair down, and be whoever I want to be not what is expected.

For years I felt that I was striving to be the perfect person that fit into a nice little box. If I strayed from that particular path I would be a disappointment to those around me. I built this imaginary pressure of expectation, convinced myself if I failed those that loved me would love me less. Through all the mistakes, messes, tears, triumphs, and disappointments of the year I realized it is the exact opposite. If anything is it the imperfections that they love more. That no matter who I am, what I do, where I go I will still always be able to make them happy as long as I am happy. It is like all of the sudden the handcuffs I was burdened with were trick handcuffs.  More than likely I will always strive for a perfection image; however, it is for myself and not others. It is knowing that if I chose medical school, to earn a PhD, travel the world, work for a non-profit, or make a million dollars it is my choice not because that is what I am required. Deep down I probably always knew this but somehow wired it into my head another way. If someone loves you they accepts you for who you are and do not settle for anything else or let someone make you into a person you do not want to be.

"That's how its supposed to be. Livin young and wild and free"--Bruno Mars