Seasons change, time passes and everything seems to come full circle. Or is that how it really works? Anticipation for what is to come, countdowns to finishing upcoming events, enjoyment of vacation. All emotions felt as the spring approaches and the windows are flung up for the fresh air. Yet it brings a strong sensation of anxiety as knowledge of change is once again about to come.
Spring is this exciting time. It is were the warmth comes, new flowers, ample time outdoors, the ending of semesters, and the quick approach of summer (my favorite time of year). However with this it no longer just the enjoyment of summer vacation. It is the planning of moving, the packing, settling accounts, making travel arrangements; ultimately uprooting life once again. In the past 5 years that seems to be what spring truly represents. Sadly, taking away from the enjoyment of a simple spring day.
It started with just planning and arranging dorm move out, summer jobs, picking classes for the following fall, finding roommates, and making new living arrangements. Then it progressed to storage units, moving trucks, apartment hunting, travel plans, graduate school choices, finals, camp, and graduation. Now it is packing up an apartment that really just was finished unpacking, planning camp, figuring out new living situations, storage, dates, quitting jobs, selling cars, writing papers, meetings, financial aid, and ultimately not just planning for a summer but so much more. Nevertheless, the planning is at a constant standstill of uncertainty. Without knowledge of when I will be back, what I need, where I am going I can not move forward with the planning.
Instead preparation knots fill my stomach and the only thing of concentration is the problem. Do I need an apartment for September, January, or May? When should I start packing? When am I leaving? Will I be back in the fall? Do I need to start arranging for Visas, booking flights, saving that money? When will I be home? What will I do with everything I own? What can I afford? How will this work for school? What do I need to do to arrange everything? What if it all falls through? Will I still have a job? Should I be apartment hunting? Should I have renewed my lease?
Change use to the thing I feared most. Now it is what I find exciting. It is what I look forward to, anticipate, need to revitalize when everything else is burning me out. However, with big change I need time, planning, coping. I need to know that there is a plan even if that plan gets messed up. Without the ability to plan and arrange it seems stressful, terrifying and confusing. I look into the future and I no longer know what I see. That scares me. The girl with all the plans does not have any more. What does this mean?
My head has ideas, dreams, goals, wants, and needs. But there is not a clear path anymore and it seems difficult to figure out which one to take as they all lead to different outcomes and possibilities. So I wait. I stand at the line unsure what it will bring, where it will go, what it will do. It is actually invigorating to only have possibilities and not black and white solutions.
It was so bitter sweet returning home and knowing that you had found a life of your own. Our small sleepy town will never be able to hold the spirit you have become . I cannot begin to tell you how proud of you I am.
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