A stand still. Everything put on pause. There is no going back and really no moving forward. It might be the moments when everything things feels the uneasiest. The settling into a decision and waiting for an outcome. Unsure if your instincts have led you astray while knowing it will all turn out.
Being a naturally optimistic worrisome person sometimes can be challenging. It is as if there is a constant internal battle within my mind. The optimistic viewpoints knows that everything will turn out. No matter the problems I face the outcome always betters me and is exactly what I need. Nevertheless, the worrisome anxious other half questions every decision. My only saving grace is my stubbornness that refuses to allow me change my mind once I make the decision.
Every decision from the giant ones to the little ones seem to take bountiful initial thought, a sudden shove, and a random decision. If given ample time I will never make the choice. I need a deadline. The final choice will never be made until the moment of the deadline. It is literally how my entire life seems to work. At a restaurant I never know what meal I will order until the words leave my mouth to the waiter, I choose BU on the day the tuition deposit was required, only made the final decision about moving out of my apartment when the landlord called asking my choice, picked out what car to buy as the dealership was closing, and decided to take my car to Boston two weeks before I moved. I am fairly certain it is the only way I progress and change. If left to my own devices I would be in a constant frozen state.
This randomness however, can make my mind turn circles and my stomach have butterflies if left in the "frozen state" for extended periods of time. Once I have made a decision two things must occur: First I must be able to make all the preparations I am able to at that time period. I need to leave things in a settled state of mind and no loose ends can occur. The second is to put the situation out of sight and out of mind until time of action must occur. If these two steps can not occur I leave in a random state of mind that leaves me feeling unsettled and questioning my decisions. I cannot be given great time to think over a situation or I regret my choices (even if I can not yet see the outcome or change the situation).
The frozen state is a difficult place. There is a knowledge that I must remain calm and understand things take time. Whatever is supposed to occur will be the best results. However, I feel an urgency to make plans and settle into a new routine. There is a need to be able to plan to be excited for something. The light at the end of the tunnel seems to rapidly be approaching but I need brakes because I can not see what happens when the end is reached. The optimism seems to make constant attempts to calm the worry. How has everything passed by so quickly?
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