One step at a time we move forward. Constant quick pace. Never allowing for time to stop and think. It is okay. It is all I have ever known and rarely willing to alter. If there is a lapse in time it seems as if the earth will crumble beneath me. If I just keep moving everything will stay the same. In reality if you look behind you and look ahead nothing is the same nor will it ever be.
Every decision we make slightly changes the direction life is heading. The more quick steps taken the more change made in a short period of time. At first look change was terrifying. Now it seems to be an addiction. A constant craving. As if a consistency would mean lethargy. This addiction however does not come without consequence. There is a feeling of instability and if I create something stable it is pointless because it will have to come to an end. The knowledge that change causes some good things have a finish line creates hesitation. Do I sit and enjoy them while they last or not even bother because I have to reach that finish line eventually? I have tried both and neither seem completely satisfying. Starting something with a defined endpoint can be difficult when the end arrives and the feeling that there is an unfinished story. However the experience of never experiencing it is full of regret. A constant wonder of what if remains in the mind. Furthermore, if it is not experienced then how do you live in the present? How do you enjoy the current life adventures? Is there balance to a life at full speed ahead? Is it too selfish of a life? Will down the road it leave you alone?
For a person that feared change as a child, who in fact panicked with the smallest alteration in a tradition, seems to have changed in certain aspects making myself almost unrecognizable. Now this is not in morals, beliefs, or the understanding of right or wrong by any means. This does mean in who I expected to become. If asked as child what I would be doing what my life currently this would have been the response: Attending medical school; getting married; preparing for a family; settling in Harrisonville; and still seeing all my high school friends every weekend. Furthermore never would I have: joined a sorority; moved away from my small town with no intention of returning to live; be considering not going to medical school; travel to a foreign country alone; work at camps for five years; be more interested in traveling the world, saving lives, and having new experiences than starting a family and growing up; and ultimately not having a life plan only dreams. It truly is the first time I have not been so focused on my goals that it consumes me.
My entire life was consumed with attending medical school. I truly believed it was the only thing I wanted. Also if that if I did not achieve this goal I would be a disappointment to those that loved me and wanted me to achieve my goal. When it was time to achieve this goal suddenly it did not seem like the right fit. As if I had been on a path that I never considered to be the wrong path. Never making a back up plan. This was difficult. What was I going to do? Was I failure? Was I simply too afraid to try and achieve the goal? A year later from this realization and I now know the truth. It is okay to change your mind. To create new dreams. To not be who you told everyone you were going to be if the new direction makes you happier. The ones who love you will always love you. Most importantly just because it was your dream since you were three does not mean that when you have developed into the person you are that the same dream fits.
Ultimately embracing this understanding has made me into a better person even if it is confusing. I am 23 years old and it is okay I do not know where I am heading. Some people know what they want and that is great. However, I still have time. If I attend medical school that is fine but for now it is not for me. Furthermore, even though it seems many of my friends have marriage on their mind it is okay it is not my priority. I do not have to be what is expected of me but rather who I want to be. That is the person people want to be friends with. Whoever I am is who they will love.
Therefore, I do not have a goal simply guidelines:
1) Make a difference in the world (no it does not have to be recognizable to everyone but to an individual is fine)
2) Try to help someone everyday
3) Try anything once
4) Stand by my morals and do not let others make me question them
5) Always look to the bright side of the situation. Just because something is challenging does not mean it will beat me.
I have a to do list in life. Currently they can not all be done at once. I do not have the ability to do them all at once. I may question the decisions I make; however I need to know if I do not do what I feel is right I will always wonder. Everything happens for a reason and helps guide me to who I will be. Stop wondering where I am going and simply be who I feel is like the person I need to be. I can be lost with out direction because there will always be a light to follow. Change can be good and important.
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