Realization

The last box was loaded into the truck. One look around and the place was as empty as it started nine months ago. Yet there was far from the same feelings as the door swung shut and locked behind me. What a whirlwind of emotions it has been. How can it be a year already? Why is life passing by so quickly? 

There was anticipation, excitement, and a stomach full of knots as I picked up the keys to my first real apartment. It was all mine. It was my home in a brand new city. I could not stop grinning as I unlocked the door and awaited my palace. My mouth instantly dropped as the door swung open. What was this dump I was spending an absorbent amount of money on? This was not going to work. Tears flirted around my eyes. I was utterly ashamed of the tiny, dinky, old apartment I was going to be residing in. How would any one ever enjoy my place? How could I show my family my success if I lived in a gross apartment? 

The boxes arrived. Ikea became my new best friend. The drab walls filled with pictures. The furniture fit quaintly into the room. Suddenly before my eyes the apartment had a look. It no longer was horrid. It was livable to say the least. As time progressed that feeling of livable became love. It was my home and I was proud of it. Even when the windows break; the toilet runs incessantly; there is an uneven stream of hot and cold water in the shower; and a pet mouse they were my problems in my home. The quarks that make the place unique. 

As the curtains came down and the boxes filled something felt incomplete. Looking around the empty room was sad. It was not that the apartment appeared grotesque like my first encounter.  I was giving away my home. I was giving away the perfect place. A place I found to be beautiful. A place that was my safe haven in a confusing city.  It brings realization that time passes too quickly. 

Am I the same girl that entered the "big city?" What direction will I head now? Is it already time for a new adventure? Everyone says that the girl that entered the city nine months ago is not the same person leaving. It is hard to say. If anything the world only seems more confusing. Less guided. Less focused. It opened my mind to a world of possibilities. The possibilities are overwhelming.  Yet I learned through all the missteps this past year it truly does turn itself into the best situation. 

Instead of the strict life plan I created many years ago I have begun to bushwhack a new path. It is beyond terrifying. Yet it is apparent the strict road I created no longer fits. I cannot depend on a strict plan. There must be flexibility, thrill, excitement, and an open mind. Only with that realization will I be guided into whatever my life is meant to be. I must cease opportunity because in an instant it could all be taken away. The people I love will love me so long as I am doing what makes me happy not what is I feel is expected. I must be my own person even when I am not sure who that person may be. 

I do not know if I have changed for better or for worse. I do not know what I have changed into or exactly how I have changed. I barely can comprehend that this year has passed. I do know that I am only more excited for the next chapter whatever it may bring.